Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100., January 3, 1891. written by Various
V >>
Various >> Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100., January 3, 1891.
PUNCH,
OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
VOL. 100.
January 3, 1891.
[Illustration: VOL. C, CALENDAR]
JANUARY xxxi Days.
1 Th N. Year's D.
2 F Abydos t.
3 S L. Hunt b.
4 S 2 S. af. Chr.
5 M Sambourne]
6 T Epiphany
7 W Bp. Ely d.
8 Th Cam. L.T.b.
9 F S.r. 8 h. 6 m.
10 S S.s. 4 h. 10 m.
11 S 1.S. af. Epip.
12 M Hil. Sit. b.
13 Tu B. Cannae
14 W Oxf. L.T. b.
15 Th Orsini plot
16 F B. Corunna
17 S Franklin b.
18 S 2 S. af. Epip.
19 M Watt b.
20 Tu Fabian
21 W Agnes
22 Th Vincent
23 F Pitt d. 1806
24 S Fox b. 1749
25 S Septuag. S.
26 M Brazil disc.
27 Tu J. Gibson d.
28 W Prescott d.
29 Th Capit. Paris
30 F Chas. I. bhd.
31 S B. Jonson b.
FEBRUARY xxviii Days.
1 S Sexages. S.
2 M B. Lincoln
3 Tu Bassevi d.
4 W S.r. 7 h. 36 m.
5 Th Galvani d.
6 F S.s. 4 h. 56 m.
7 S Dickens b.
8 S Quinqu. S.
9 M Darnley m.
10 Tu Q.V. marr.
11 W Ash. Wed.
12 Th Cellini d.
13 F Revol. 1688
14 S Valentine
15 S 1 S. in Lent.
16 M Burke exe.
17 Tu Braham d.
18 W Luther d.
19 Th Copernic. b.
20 F J. Hume d.
21 S Trinidad t.
22 S 2 S. in Lent
23 M S. Brookes d.
24 Tu Matthias
25 W Wren d.
26 Th T. Moore d.
27 F Benevento
28 S J. Tenniel
MARCH xxxi Days.
1 S 3 S. in Lent
2 M Wesley d.
3 Tu B. Merton
4 W Somers b.
5 Th S.r. 6 h. 39 m.
6 F Du Maurier
7 S S.s. 5 h. 48 m.
8 S 4 S. in Lent
9 M Cobbett b.
10 Tu Schiller b.
11 W Inc. T. imp.
12 Th Gregory
13 F Talfourd d.
14 S Byng shot
15 S 5 S. in Lent
16 M Dr. Kent d.
17 Tu St. Patrick
18 W Suez cnl. op.
19 Th Lucknow t.
20 F B. Alexand.
21 S Benedict
22 S Palm S.
23 M Nat. Gal. f.
24 Tu Q. Eliz. d.
25 W Lady Day
26 Th D. Camb. b.
27 F Good Frid.
28 S Cateau
29 S East. Sun.
30 M Bk. Holiday
31 Tu Haydn b.
APRIL xxx Days.
1 W All Fools
2 Th S.r. 5 h. 35 m.
3 F S.s. 6 h. 34 m.
4 S Ambrose bp.
5 S Low Sun.
6 M O. Lady-Day
7 Tu Pr. Leop. b.
8 W B. Savona
9 Th Fire Ins. ex.
10 F Cam. E.T. b.
11 S Canning d.
12 S 2 S. af. Eas.
13 M Handel d.
14 Tu Prs. Beatr. b.
15 W S. Maron.
16 Th Thiers b.
17 F B. Culloden
18 S Graunt d.
19 S 3 S. af. Eas.
20 M Spa. fl. des.
21 Tu Bp. Heber b.
22 W Odessa bom.
23 Th St. George
24 F B. Landrec.
25 S Prs. Alice b.
26 S 4 S. af. Eas.
27 M Gibbon b.
28 Tu B. Tours
29 W S. Cath. S.
30 Th Fitzroy d.
MAY xxxi Days.
1 F May Day
2 S S.r. 4 h. 32 m.
3 S Rogation S.
4 M Sering. tkn.
5 Tu S.s. 7 h. 27 m.
6 W John Evan.
7 Th Holy Thurs.
8 F Le Sage b.
9 S Hf. qr. Day
10 S S. af. Ascen.
11 M Chatham d.
12 Tu Albt. Mem. c.
13 W O. May Day
14 Th Gratton d.
15 F O'Connell d.
16 S B. Albuera
17 S Whit Sun.
18 M Bk. Holiday
19 Tu Dunstan
20 W Columbus d.
21 Th Cawnpore
22 F Dasent b.
23 S M. Lemon d.
24 S Trin. Sun.
25 M Pr. Hel. b.
26 Tu Augustine
27 W Ven. Bede
28 Th Corp. Christ.
29 F Chas. II. res.
30 S Pope d.
31 S 1 Sn. af. Tr.
JUNE xxx Days.
1 M Nicomede
2 Tu Harvey b.
3 W S.r. 3 h. 50 m.
4 Th S.s. 8 h. 7 m.
5 F Weber d.
6 S Calpee tkn.
7 S 2 Sn. af. Tr.
8 M D. Jerrold d.
9 Tu Paxton d.
10 W Heilsberg
11 Th Barnabas
12 F B. Wilton
13 S Hastgs. bhd.
14 S 3 Sn. af. Tr.
15 M Mag. Charta
16 Tu Wat Tyl. sl.
17 W St. Alban
18 Th Waterloo
19 F B. Wavres
20 S Q. Vic. Ac.
21 S 4 Sn. af. Tr.
22 M B. Pered
23 Tu B. Plassy
24 W Midsm. D.
25 Th B. Altivia
26 F Geo. IV. d.
27 S Cairo tkn.
28 S 5 Sn. af. Tr.
29 M St. Peter
30 Tu Roscoe d.
JULY xxxi Days.
1 W B. Boyne
2 Th S.r. 3 h. 50 m.
3 F B. Sadowa
4 S S.s. 8 h. 17 m.
5 S 6 Sn. af. Tr.
6 M Old Mid. D.
7 Tu J. Huss bt.
8 W A. Smith d.
9 Th Fire Ins. ex.
10 F Bp. Fell d.
11 S B. Ouden
12 S 7 Sn. af. Tr.
13 M D. Orleans d.
14 Tu Bastile des.
15 W St. Swithin
16 Th Beranger d.
17 F Punch b. '41
18 S Sherlock d.
19 S 8 Sn. af. Tr.
20 M Margaret
21 Tu R. Burns d.
22 W Salamanca
23 Th Lyonet b.
24 F Gibral. tkn.
25 S St. James
26 S 9 Sn. af. Tr.
27 M Talavera
28 Tu Robesp. exe.
29 W B. Beylau
30 Th W. Penn d.
31 F E. Pease d.
AUGUST xxxi Days.
1 S Lammas
2 S 10 Sn. af. Tr.
3 M Bk. Holiday
4 Tu Oystr. Sea. c.
5 W S.r. 4 h. 31 m.
6 Th Dk. Edn. b.
7 F S.s. 7 h. 37 m.
8 S Otway b.
9 S 11 S. af. Tr.
10 M C. Keene b.
11 Tu Trin. Sit. c.
12 W Grouse s.b.
13 Th O. Lammas
14 F Ld. Clyde d.
15 S W. Scott b.
16 S 12 S. af. Tr.
17 M Ad. Blake d.
18 Tu B. Spurs
19 W Ozontero
20 Th Saragossa
21 F Blck. Ck. s.b.
22 S B. Bosworth
23 S 13 S. af. Tr.
24 M S. Bartholo.
25 Tu J. Watt d.
26 W P. Cons. b.
27 Th Thomson d.
28 F B. Leipsic
29 S Jno. Bp. bh.
30 S 14 S. af. Tr.
31 M Bunyan d.
SEPTEMBER xxx Days.
1 Tu Part. sh. e.
2 W Capit. Sedan
3 Th S.r. 5 h. 17 m.
4 F S.s. 6 h. 39 m.
5 S Comte d.
6 S 15 S. af. Tr.
7 M Eunurchus
8 Tu Nat. B.V.M.
9 W B. Flodden
10 Th B. Quesnoy
11 F S. of Delhi
12 S O.P. Riots
13 S 16 S. af. Tr.
14 M Holy Cross
15 Tu B. Rajghur
16 W Jas. II. d.
17 Th Lambert
18 F Geo. I. land.
19 S B. Poitiers
20 S 17 S. af. Tr.
21 M St. Matth.
22 Tu Virgil d.
23 W Autn. Q. b.
24 Th S. Butler d.
25 F Porson d.
26 S St. Cyprian
27 S 18 S. af. Tr.
28 M Nicopolis
29 Tu Mich. Day
30 W St. Jerome
OCTOBER xxxi Days.
1 Th Cam. M.T. b.
2 F Arago d.
3 S S.r. 6 h. 6 m.
4 S 19 S. af. Tr.
5 M S.s. 5 h. 28 m.
6 Tu Faith
7 W Abp. Laud b.
8 Th B. Actium
9 F St. Denys
10 S Ox. M.T. b.
11 S 20 S. af. Tr.
12 M America d.
13 Tu Edw. Conf.
14 W B. Senlac
15 Th Fire Ins. ex.
16 F Soissons t.
17 S Etheldreda
18 S 21 S. af. Tr.
19 M Kneller d.
20 Tu B. Navarino
21 W Trafalgar
22 Th B. Edge Hill
23 F Irish Reb.
24 S P. Leigh d.
25 S 22 S. af. Tr.
26 M Danton b.
27 Tu Cap. Cook b.
28 W J. Locke d.
29 Th J. Leech d.
30 F Tower brnt.
31 S All Hallows
NOVEMBER xxx Days.
1 S 23 S. af. Tr.
2 M All Souls
3 Tu Fall of Acre
4 W Will. III. b.
5 Th S.r. 7 h. 3 m.
6 F S.s. 4 h. 23 m.
7 S B. Mooltan
8 S 24 S. af. Tr.
9 M P. of Wls. b.
10 Tu M. Luther b.
11 W St. Martin
12 Th Hf. qr. Day
13 F Britius
14 S Leibnitz d.
15 S 25 S. af. Tr.
16 M J. Bright b.
17 Tu Hugh Bp. L.
18 W Wilkie b.
19 Th B. Arcola
20 F Ld. Elgin d.
21 S J. Hogg d.
22 S 26 S. af. Tr.
23 M St. Clemen.
24 Tu J. Knox d.
25 W Chantrey d.
26 Th G. Grisi d.
27 F De. Teck b.
28 S Bunsen d.
29 S 1 S. in Adv.
30 M Burnand b.]
DECEMBER xxxi Days.
1 Tu Prs. Wls. b.
2 W B. Austerl.
3 Th Bradbury b.
4 F Richelieu d.
5 S S.r. 7 h. 51 m.
6 S 2 S. in Adv.
7 M S.s. 3 h. 50 m.
8 Tu Baxter d.
9 W Vandyke d.
10 Th Milton b.
11 F Jno. Gay d.
12 S Cibber d.
13 S 3 S. in Adv.
14 M P. Cons. d.
15 Tu I. Walton d.
16 W V. Weber b.
17 Th Oxf. M.T. e.
18 F D. 7 h. 46 m.
19 S Cam. M.T. e.
20 S 4 S. in Adv.
21 M St. Thomas
22 Tu Win. Q. b.
23 W Jas. II. abd.
24 Th Christ. Eve
25 F Christ. Day
26 S Bk. Holiday
27 S Sun. af. Chr.
28 M Innocents
29 Tu Stafford ex.
30 W Pegu anxd.
31 Th Silvester
* * * * *
TO-DAY'S AMUSEMENTS.
(_AS THEY WILL PROBABLY BE ADVERTISED IN THE PRESS OF THE DAY AFTER
TO-MORROW._)
EXECUTION OF THE LITTLE PEDLINGTON MURDERER.--Reserved gallows seats,
immediately behind the drop, commanding a clear view of the dying
struggles, with chance of hearing the criminal's last confession;
Lady's ticket Two Guineas. Lady and Gentleman's, ditto, three guineas.
(8.30 A.M.)
TRIAL AT THE OLD BAILEY OF LA BELLE ISABELLE, the husband-poisoner.
Last day of trial, summing-up of the Judge, intense excitement. A few
special tickets at Ten Guineas still obtainable (including "snack"
luncheon and use of opera-glasses), and commanding front view of the
Judge when summing-up, and close sight of the prisoner's facial play
during the passing of sentence, &c, (11. A.M. Ladies advised to be in
their places not later than 10.30.)
GREAT INTERNATIONAL CRIMES EXHIBITION AT BOEOTIA.--Additional
Attractions. Portrait groups in wax, life-size, of all great criminals
from CAIN to CHARLES PEACE; Lecture on Capital Punishments in all
Ages, with illustrations and demonstrations (3 P.M. and 7 P.M.)
Old Newgate. Mediaeval Torture Chamber in full work. Grand Execution
Tableaux, in the grounds; realistic renderings of punishments
inflicted on RAVAILLAC, DAMIENS, &c., &c. (3 o'clock and 6.30.)
_Auto-da-Fe_ at 2.30 and 7. Admission One Shilling. Children under
eight half-price. Ladies' Reserved Seats (inclusive of all Shows) One
Guinea. Open 10 till 10. (Thirty thousand persons, chiefly Ladies,
passed the turnstiles last Wednesday.)
PUBLIC VIVISECTION DEMONSTRATION AT THE SENSATIONAL SURGICAL SOCIETY'S
ROOMS.--Exhibition of the droll effects of Curari upon subjects under
the knife, and the actual cautery. No annoying noise, or disconcerting
struggles! Bulgarian Band will play Popular Pieces. (3 P.M.)
BULL FIGHT AT THE ARCADIAN HALL.--Full Spanish Programme this day.
Absolutely no restrictions! Serious accidents daily! Two Toreadors
killed last week, and seven seriously injured. No deception! Extra
fierce bulls to-day, and consequent prospect of HIGHLY SENSATIONAL
SCENES IN THE ARENA!!! Admission, 1s. to L5 5s. Specially Reserved
Front Seats for Ladies, L7 7s. (3 P.M., and 8.30.)
IMPERIAL PHONOGRAPHIC SOCIETY, HALL OF HORRORS.--Phonographic
Reproductions of Last Dying Speeches and Confessions of Criminals.
Sobs and Hysterical Attacks of Persons under trial (Women especially).
Reports of Cases tried _in Camera_. Private Conversations of parties
to _Causes Celebres_, &c., &c., &c. Highly realistic revelations, and
Sensational Vocal Scenes. Admission, Half a Guinea. (8 P.M.)
PORNOGRAPHIC ART GALLERIES.--NOW open daily. Admission by private card
only. Illustrated Catalogue (purchase of which is compulsory). Two
Guineas. Special coloured copies including reproduction of pictures in
Special Art Sanctum, L10 10s. (10 till 4 only.)
GHOUL THEATRE.--_The Society Beauty and the Blood Bath, or, The Demon
of Dahomey_! Strongly Sensational Melodrama, in Five Acts, and a
Special Death Dance Tableau!!! The Toilet! The Torture!! The Tub!!!
Beauty unadorned and Bloodshed Undisguised! Mirth-moving Murders
and Side-splitting Suicides! Fun and Funerals! Roars of Laughter and
Tremendous Thrills of Pleasing Horror Nightly! Open at 7.30. Commence
at 8.
Moving in Society at 9! Great Toilet Scene at 9.30!
The Blood-Bath at 10.45! Death Dance Tableau at 11.5!
Carriages at 11.10!
Enormous Success! Two-hundred-and-fifty-second Night, and still
crowded with the _elite_ of Fashion! Be in time!!!
* * * * *
[Illustration: "LITERARY STARS."]
* * * * *
THE HERO'S COMMON-FORM DIARY.
_January_.--Leisurely return to England. Enthusiastic reception _en
route_.
_February_.--Greeted by Mayor and Corporation with an address at
Dover. Triumphant progress to London.
_March_.--Imposing scene at the Guildhall. Acceptance of the Freedom
of the City.
_April_.--Visits to the provinces. Loud cheers on every side, and
unlimited hospitality.
_May_.--Lion of the London Season. Hundreds of nightly invitations.
_June_.--Gaiety from morning to night. Universal recognition of
distinguished conduct.
_July_.--Phenomenal success of book of travels and adventures.
_August_.--Popularity at its height everywhere, save in town, which
now begins to empty.
_September_.--Slight reaction. Rejoinders begin to appear.
_October_.--Unpleasantness on the increase. Interviewing, letters to
the papers, and sensational journalism generally.
_November_.--Demonstration at the Lord Mayor's Show. Charges,
counter-charges, and recrimination. First-rate A1, go-as-you-please,
strongly recommended row.
_December_.--Fresh sensation (about a murder or a charitable scheme)
and everything forgotten (if not forgiven) in time to observe a Merry
Christmas and a Happy New Year.
* * * * *
HOLIDAY TASKS FOR THE NEW YEAR.
_Emperor of R-ss-a_.--To personally visit Siberia.
_King of It-ly_.--To come to terms with the Vatican.
_Emperor of G-rm-ny_.--To stay at home.
_King of P-rtug-l_.--To accept the situation in Africa.
_President C-rn-t_.--To forget the existence of Egypt.
_King of Sp-n_.--To master the difficulties of the Alphabet.
_Emperor of A-str-a_.--Between Kingdom and Empire, to make both ends
meet.
_Lord S-l-sb-ry_.--To prepare for the General Election.
_Mr. Gl-dst-ne_.--To explain Home Rule.
_Lord R. Ch-rch-ll_.--To give up racing in favour of politics.
_Mr. H.M. St-nl-y_.--To re-write _Darkest Africa_.
_General B-th_.--To publish a balance-sheet that will please all.
_Mr. Sheriff A-g-st-s H-rr-s_.--To attend to his professional duties,
and get through his official work.
_And Mr. P-nch_.--To bear as gaily as ever the weight of half a
century.
* * * * *
SUGGESTION FOB MR. W.B. AT THE T.R.O.--Should Mr. WILSON BARRETT
contemplate giving another _Matinee_ of that out-of-date play, _The
Lady of Lyons_, why not change its title to _The Old Lady of Lyons_?
No extra charge for this suggestion.
* * * * *
GENUINE ORANGE BITTERS.--Police Protection to TIM HEALY.
* * * * *
[Illustration: MODERN VERSION OF "PAUL AND VIRGINIA."]
* * * * *
VOCES POPULI.
THE IMPROMPTU CHARADE-PARTY.
SCENE--_The Library of a Country-House; the tables and chairs
are heaped with brocades, draperies, and properties of all
kinds, which the Ladies of the company are trying on, while
the men rack their brains for a suitable Word. In a secluded
corner, Mr. NIGHTINGALE and MISS ROSE are conversing in
whispers._
_Mr. Whipster_ (_Stage-Manager and Organiser--self-appointed_).
No--but I say, _really_, you know, we _must_ try and decide on
something--we've been out half an hour, and the people will be getting
impatient! (_To the Ladies_.) Do come and help; it's really no
use dressing up till we've settled what we're going _to do_. Can't
_anybody_ think of a good Word?
_Miss Larkspur_. We ought to make a continuous story of it, with the
same plot and characters all through. We did that once at the Grange,
and it was awfully good--just like a regular Comedy!
_Mr. Whipster_. Ah, but we've got to hit on _a Word_ first.
Come--nobody got an idea? NIGHTINGALE, you're not much use over
_there_, you know. I hope you and Miss ROSE have been putting your
heads together?
_Mr. Nightingale_ (_confused_). Eh? No, nothing of the sort! Oh,
ah--yes, we've thought of a _lot_ of Words.
_Miss Rose_. Only you've driven them all out of our heads again!
[_They resume their conversation._
_Mr. Wh._ Well, do make a suggestion, somebody! Professor, won't _you_
give us a Word?
_Chorus of Ladies_. Oh, _do_, Professor--you're sure to think of
something clever!
_Professor Pollen_ (_modestly_). Well, really, I've so little
experience in these matters that--A Word _has_ just occurred to
me, however; I don't know, of course, whether it will meet
with approval--(_he beams at them with modest pride through his
spectacles_)--it's "Monocotyledonous."
_Chorus of Ladies_. Charming! Monocottle--Oh, can't we _do_ that?
_Mr. Wh._ (_dubiously_). We might--but--er--what's it _mean_?
_Prof. Pollen_. It's a simple botanical term, signifying a plant which
has only one cup-shaped leaf, or seed-lobe. Plants with _two_ are
termed--
_Mr. Wh._ I don't see how we're going to act a plant with only
one seed-lobe myself--and then the
syllables--"mon"--"oh"--"cot"--"till"--we shouldn't get done before
_midnight_, you know!
_Prof. Pollen_ (_With mild pique_). Well, I merely threw it out as a
suggestion. I thought it could have been made amusing. No doubt I was
wrong; no doubt.
_Mr. Settee_ (_nervously_). I've thought of a word. How
would--er--"_Familiar_" do?
_Mr. Wh._ (_severely_). Now, _really_. SETTEE, _do_ try not to footle
like this! [Mr. SETTEE _subsides amidst general disapproval_.
_Mr. Flinders_. (_With a flash of genius_). I've got it--_Gamboge_!
_Mr. Wh._ Gamboge, eh? Let's see how that would work:--"Gam"--"booge."
How do you see it yourself?
[_Mr. FLINDERS discovers, on reflection, that he doesn't see
it, and the suggestion is allowed to drop._
_Miss Pelagia Rhys_. _I've_ an idea. _Familiar!_
"Fame"--"ill"--"_liar_," you know. [_Chorus of applause._
_Mr. Wh._ Capital! The very thing--congratulate you, Miss RHYS!
_Mr. Settee_ (_sotto voce_). But I say, look here, _I_ suggested that,
you know, and you said--!
_Mr. Wh._ (_ditto_). What on earth _does_ it matter who suggests it,
so long as it's right? Don't be an ass, SETTEE! (_Aloud._) How are we
going to do the first syllable "Fame," eh? [Mr. SETTEE _sulks_.
_Mr. Pushington_. Oh, that's easy. One of us must come on as a Poet,
and all the ladies must crowd round flattering him, and making a lot
of him, asking for his autograph, and so on. I don't mind doing the
Poet myself, if nobody else feels up to it.
[_He begins to dress for the part by turning his dress-coat
inside out, and putting on a turban and a Liberty sash, by
way of indicating the eccentricity of genius; the Ladies adorn
themselves with a similar regard to realism, and even more
care for appearances._
AFTER THE FIRST SYLLABLE.
_The Performers return from the drawing-room, followed by
faint applause_.
_Mr. Pushington_. Went capitally, that syllable, eh? (_No response._)
You might have played up to me a little more than you did--you others.
You let me do everything!
_Miss Larkspur_. You never let any of us get a word in!
_Mr. Pushington_. Because you all talked at once, that was all. Now
then--"ill." I'll be a celebrated Doctor, and you all come to me one
by one, and say you're _ill_--see?
[_Attires himself for the role of a Physician in a
dressing-gown and an old yeomanry helmet._
_Mr. Whipster_ (_huffily_). Seems to me I may as well go and sit with
the audience--I'm no use _here_!
_Mr. Pushington_. Oh, yes, WHIPSTER, I want you to be my confidential
butler, and show the patients in.
[_Mr. W. accepts--with a view to showing PUSHINGTON that
other people can act as well as he._
AFTER THE SECOND SYLLABLE.
_Mr. Pushington_. Seemed to _drag_ a little, somehow! There was no
necessity for you to make all those long soliloquies, WHIPSTER. A
Doctor's confidential servant wouldn't chatter so much!
_Mr. Whipster_. You were so confoundedly solemn over it, I had to put
some fun in _somewhere_!
_Mr. P._ Well, you might have put it where someone could see it.
Nobody laughed.
_Professor Pollen_. I don't know, Mr. PUSHINGTON, why, when I was
describing my symptoms--which I can vouch for as scientifically
correct--you persisted in kicking my legs under the table--it was
unprofessional, Sir, and extremely painful!
_Mr. Pushington_. I was only trying to hint to you that as there were
a dozen other people to follow, it was time you cut the interview
short, Professor--that one syllable alone has taken nearly an hour.
_Miss Buckram_. If I had known the kind of questions you were going to
ask me, Mr. PUSHINGTON, I should certainly not have exposed myself to
them. I say no more, but I must positively decline to appear with you
again.
_Mr. Pushington_. Oh, but really, you know, in Charades one gets
carried away at times. I assure you, I hadn't the remotest (&c.,
&c.--_until Miss BUCKRAM is partly mollified_.) Now then--last
syllable. Look here, I'll be a regular impostor, don't you know, and
all of you come on and say what a liar I am. We ought to make that
screamingly funny!
AFTER THE THIRD SYLLABLE.
_Mr. Pushington_. Muddled? Of _course_ it was muddled--you all called
me a liar before I opened my mouth!
_The Rest_.--But you didn't seem to know how to begin, and we _had_ to
bring the Word in somehow.
_Pushington_. Bring it in?--but you needn't have let it _out_. There
was SETTEE there, shouting "liar" till he was black in the face. We
must have looked a set of idiots from the front. I shan't go in again
(_muttering_). It's no use acting Charades with people who don't
understand it. There; settle the Word yourselves!
AFTER THE WORD. AMONG THE AUDIENCE.
_General Murmur_. What _can_ it be? Not _Turk_, I suppose, or
Magician?--Quarrelling?--Parnellite?--Impertinence? Shall we give it
up? No, they like us to guess, poor things; and besides, if we don't,
they'll do another; and it is getting _so_ late, and such a _long_
drive home. Oh, they're all coming back; then it is over. No, indeed,
we can't _imagine. "Familiar_!" To be sure--_how_ clever, and _how_
well you all acted it, to be sure--you must be quite tired after it
all. I am sure _we_--hem--are deeply indebted to you ... My dear Miss
ROSE, how wonderfully you disguised yourself. I never recognised you a
bit, nor _you_, Mr. NIGHTINGALE. What part did _you_ take?
_Mr. Nightingale_. I--er--didn't take any particular part--wasn't
wanted, you know.
_Miss Rose_. Not to _act_,--so we stayed outside and--and--arranged
things.
_An Old Lady_. Indeed? Then you had all the hard work, and none of the
pleasure, my dear, I'm afraid.
_Miss Rose_ (_sweetly_). Oh no. I mean yes!--but we didn't _mind_ it
much.
_The O.L._ And which of you settled what the Word was to be?
_Mr. N._ Well, I believe we settled that together.
[_Carriages are announced; departure of guests who are not
of the house-party. In the Smoking-room, Mr. PUSHINGTON
discovers that he does not seem exactly popular with the
other men, and puts it down to jealousy._
* * * * *
ROBERT'S XMAS BANKWET.
We held our annywal Crismus Bankwet larst Satterday. Our principel
Toast of course was, "Success to the Grand Old Copperashun, and may
it flurrish for ewer!" with 3 times 3, and one cheer more for the
bewtifool LADY MARESS, and may she flurrish for ewer too! Ah, we
Waiters is a gallarnt race and knows our dooty to the fairer and
weaker sects quite as well as ewen Aldermen theirselves. I next
perposed the City Livvery Compnys, in a speech, as BROWN said, as ort
for to be printed and sircculated. I had serttenly given a good deal
of atention to it, and praps shood have dun ewen better if I hadn't
quite forgot ewery word of the werry last part, which, unfortnitly,
was all about the lots of money as they gives away. But I remembred
all about their luvly dinners, and that was naterally more intresting
to my hordience. I was werry much pressed to say which, in my opinion,
of all the Nobel Livvery Cumpnys guv the most nobly scrumpshus Dinners
of 'em all, but I declined, on the ground that it wood naterally cause
a most enormous emount of gelosy, and was of too delicat and xquisit
a natur to be thus publicly discussed. There was werry considerabel
diffrens of opinion about their warious choice wines, but all agreed
in praising them werry hily, but ewen more, the trew libberality with
which they was served, and not poured out so close as to make the pore
Waiter's dooty a thirsty and tanterlising one indeed.
[Illustration]
We drank the Nobel Army of Hotel Keepers, most serttenly not forgettin
the gentlemanly Manager of the truly "Grand," as ewerybody knows as is
anybody, and drank to their great success, for werry ewident reesons.
Young FRANK returned thanks for the Ladies, and, with all the reckless
ordassity of a young feller of forty, was rash enuff to say, as how
as he werrily believed, that if the prinsiple Hotel Keepers was to
hintroduce pretty Gals as Waiters, all us old Fogys, as he rudely
called us, woud have to go and git our seweral livings in a more manly
employment! Of course boys will be boys, so we kindly forgave him,
more specially as he stands six foot one in his stockings, let alone
his boots. However he made up for his bad manners by singing with
his capital voice, his new Song of "_Old Robert the Waiter_" being a
rayther complementary Parody, as he called it, upon "_Old Simon the
Cellerer_," which was receeved with emense aplause. So he gave, as an
arncore, the Waiter's favrite Glee of "_Mynear Van Dunk_," with its
fine conwincing moral against Teetotaling and all such cold rubbish.