Shandygaff written by Christopher Morley

Pages:
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16

SHANDYGAFF

by

CHRISTOPHER MORLEY

1918

A number of most agreeable Inquirendoes upon Life & Letters,
interspersed with Short Stories & Skits, the whole most Diverting to
the Reader

[Illustration: Photo by Charles H. Davis

CHRISTOPHER MORLEY, AUTHOR OF SHANDYGAFF, WHERE THE BLUE BEGINS, THUNDER
ON THE LEFT, ETC.]

TITLES AND DEDICATIONS

I wanted to call these exercises "Casual Ablutions," in memory of the
immortal sign in the washroom of the British Museum, but my arbiter of
elegance forbade it. You remember that George Gissing, homeless and
penniless on London streets, used to enjoy the lavatory of the Museum
Reading Room as a fountain and a shrine. But the flinty hearted
trustees, finding him using the wash-stand for bath-tub and laundry,
were exceeding wroth, and set up the notice

+----------------------------+
| |
| THESE BASINS ARE FOR |
| CASUAL ABLUTIONS ONLY |
| |
+----------------------------+

I would like to issue the same warning to the implacable reader: these
fugitive pieces, very casual rinsings in the great basin of letters,
must not be too bitterly resented, even by their publishers. To borrow
O. Henry's joke, they are more demitasso than Tasso.

The real purpose in writing books is to have the pleasure of dedicating
them to someone, and here I am in a quandary. So many dedications have
occurred to me, it seems only fair to give them all a chance.

I thought of dedicating the book to
CLAYTON SEDGWICK COOPER
The Laird of Westcolang

I thought of dedicating to the
TWO BEST BOOK SHOPS IN THE WORLD
Blackwell's in Oxford and
Leary's in Philadelphia

I thought of dedicating to
THE 8:13 TRAIN

I thought of dedicating to
EDWARD PAGE ALLINSON
The Squire of Town's End Farm
Better known as Mifflin McGill
In affectionate memory of
Many unseasonable jests

I thought of dedicating to
PROFESSOR FRANCIS B. GUMMERE
From an erring pupil

I thought of dedicating to
FRANCIS R. BELLAMY
Author of "The Balance"
Whose Talent I Revere,
But Whose Syntax I Deplore

I thought of dedicating to
JOHN N. BEFFEL
My First Editor
Who insisted on taking me seriously

I thought of dedicating to
GUY S.K. WHEELER
The Lion Cub

I thought of dedicating to
ROBERT CORTES HOLLIDAY
The Urbanolater

I thought of dedicating to
SILAS ORRIN HOWES
Faithful Servant of Letters

But my final and irrevocable decision is to dedicate this book to
THE MIEHLE PRINTING PRESS
More Sinned Against Than Sinning

* * * * *

For permission to reprint, I denounce The New York _Evening Post_, The
Boston _Transcript_, The _Bellman_, The _Smart Set_, The New York _Sun_,
The New York _Evening Sun_, The _American Oxonian_, _Collier's_, and The
_Ladies' Home Journal_.

Wyncote, Pa.

November. 1917.

SHANDYGAFF: a very refreshing drink, being a mixture of bitter ale or
beer and ginger-beer, commonly drunk by the lower classes in England,
and by strolling tinkers, low church parsons, newspaper men,
journalists, and prizefighters. Said to have been invented by Henry VIII
as a solace for his matrimonial difficulties. It is believed that a
continual bibbing of shandygaff saps the will, the nerves, the
resolution, and the finer faculties, but there are those who will abide
no other tipple.

John Mistletoe: _Dictionary of Deplorable Facts_.

CONTENTS

The Song of Shandygaff
Titles and Dedications
A Question of Plumage
Don Marquis
The Art of Walking
Rupert Brooke
The Man
The Head of the Firm
17 Heriot Row
Frank Confessions of a Publisher's Reader
William McFee
Rhubarb
The Haunting Beauty of Strychnine
Ingo
Housebroken
The Hilarity of Hilaire
A Casual of the Sea
The Last Pipe
Time to Light the Furnace
My Friend
A Poet of Sad Vigils
Trivia
Prefaces
The Skipper
A Friend of FitzGerald
A Venture in Mysticism
An Oxford Landlady
"Peacock Pie"
The Literary Pawnshop
A Morning in Marathon
The American House of Lords
Cotswold Winds
Clouds
Unhealthy
Confessions of a Smoker
Hay Febrifuge
Appendix: Suggestions for Teachers.

A QUESTION OF PLUMAGE

Kenneth Stockton was a man of letters, and correspondingly poor. He was
the literary editor of a leading metropolitan daily; but this job only
netted him fifty dollars a week, and he was lucky to get that much. The
owner of the paper was powerfully in favour of having the reviews done
by the sporting editor, and confining them to the books of those
publishers who bought advertising space. This simple and statesmanlike
view the owner had frequently expressed in Mr. Stockton's hearing, so
the latter was never very sure how long his job would continue.

But Mr. Stockton had a house, a wife, and four children in New Utrecht,
that very ingenious suburb of Brooklyn. He had worked the problem out to
a nicety long ago. If he did not bring home, on the average, eighty
dollars a week, his household would cease to revolve. It simply had to
be done. The house was still being paid for on the installment plan.
There were plumbers' bills, servant's wages, clothes and schooling for
the children, clothes for the wife, two suits a year for himself, and
the dues of the Sheepshead Golf Club--his only extravagance. A simple
middle-class routine, but one that, once embarked upon, turns into a
treadmill. As I say, eighty dollars a week would just cover expenses. To
accumulate any savings, pay for life insurance, and entertain friends,
Stockton had to rise above that minimum. If in any week he fell below
that figure he could not lie abed at night and "snort his fill," as the
Elizabethan song naively puts it.

There you have the groundwork of many a domestic drama.

Mr. Stockton worked pretty hard at the newspaper office to earn his
fifty dollars. He skimmed faithfully all the books that came in, wrote
painstaking reviews, and took care to run cuts on his literary page on
Saturdays "to give the stuff kick," as the proprietor ordered. Though he
did so with reluctance, he was forced now and then to approach the book
publishers on the subject of advertising. He gave earnest and honest
thought to his literary department, and was once praised by Mr. Howells
in _Harper's Magazine_ for the honourable quality of his criticisms.

But Mr. Stockton, like most men, had only a certain fund of energy and
enthusiasm at his disposal. His work on the paper used up the first
fruits of his zeal and strength. After that came his article on current
poetry, written (unsigned) for a leading imitation literary weekly. The
preparation of this involved a careful perusal of at least fifty
journals, both American and foreign, and I blush to say it brought him
only fifteen dollars a week. He wrote a weekly "New York Letter" for a
Chicago paper of bookish tendencies, in which he told with a flavour of
intimacy the goings on of literary men in Manhattan whom he never had
time or opportunity to meet. This article was paid for at space rates,
which are less in Chicago than in New York. On this count he averaged
about six dollars a week.

That brings us up to seventy-one dollars, and also pretty close to the
limit of our friend's endurance. The additional ten dollars or so needed
for the stability of the Stockton exchequer he earned in various ways.
Neighbours in New Utrecht would hear his weary typewriter clacking far
into the night. He wrote short stories, of only fair merit; and he wrote
"Sunday stories," which is the lowest depth to which a self-respecting
lover of literature can fall. Once in a while he gave a lecture on
poetry, but he was a shy man, and he never was asked to lecture twice in
the same place. By almost incredible exertions of courage and obstinacy
he wrote a novel, which was published, and sold 2,580 copies the first
year. His royalties on this amounted to $348.30--not one-third as much,
he reflected sadly, as Irvin Cobb would receive for a single short
story. He even did a little private tutoring at his home, giving the
sons of some of his friends lessons in English literature.

It is to be seen that Mr. Stockton's relatives, back in Indiana, were
wrong when they wrote to him admiringly--as they did twice a
year--asking for loans, and praising the bold and debonair life of a man
of letters in the great city. They did not know that for ten years Mr.
Stockton had refused the offers of his friends to put him up for
membership at the literary club to which his fancy turned so fondly and
so often. He could not afford it. When friends from out of town called
on him, he took them to Peck's for a French table d'hote, with an
apologetic murmur.

But it is not to be thought that Mr. Stockton was unhappy or
discontented. Those who have experienced the excitements of the
existence where one lives from hand to mouth and back to hand again,
with rarely more than fifty cents of loose change in pocket, know that
there is even a kind of pleasurable exhilaration in it. The characters
in George Gissing's Grub Street stories would have thought Stockton
rich indeed with his fifty-dollar salary. But he was one of those
estimable men who have sense enough to give all their money to their
wives and keep none in their trousers. And though his life was arduous
and perhaps dull to outward view, he was a passionate lover of books,
and in his little box at the back of the newspaper office, smoking a
corncob and thumping out his reviews, he was one of the happiest men in
New York. His thirst for books was a positive bulimia; how joyful he was
when he found time to do a little work on his growing sheaf of literary
essays, which he intended to call "Casual Ablutions," after the famous
sign in the British Museum washroom.

It was Mr. Stockton's custom to take a trolley as far as the Brooklyn
bridge, and thence it was a pleasant walk to the office on Park Row.
Generally he left home about ten o'clock, thus avoiding the rush of
traffic in the earlier hours; and loitering a little along the way, as
becomes a man of ideas, his article on poetry would jell in his mind,
and he would be at his desk a little after eleven. There he would work
until one o'clock with the happy concentration of those who enjoy their
tasks. At that time he would go out for a bite of lunch, and would then
be at his desk steadily from two until six. Dinner at home was at seven,
and after that he worked persistently in his little den under the roof
until past midnight.

One morning in spring he left New Utrecht in a mood of perplexity, for
to-day his even routine was in danger of interruption. Halfway across
the bridge Stockton paused in some confusion of spirit to look down on
the shining river and consider his course.

A year or so before this time, in gathering copy for his poetry
articles, he had first come across the name of Finsbury Verne in an
English journal at the head of some exquisite verses. From time to time
he found more of this writer's lyrics in the English magazines, and at
length he had ventured a graceful article of appreciation. It happened
that he was the first in this country to recognize Verne's talent, and
to his great delight he had one day received a very charming letter from
the poet himself, thanking him for his understanding criticism.

Stockton, though a shy and reticent man, had the friendliest nature in
the world, and some underlying spirit of kinship in Verne's letter
prompted him to warm response. Thus began a correspondence which was a
remarkable pleasure to the lonely reviewer, who knew no literary men,
although his life was passed among books. Hardly dreaming that they
would ever meet, he had insisted on a promise that if Verne should ever
visit the States he would make New Utrecht his headquarters. And now, on
this very morning, there had come a wireless message via Seagate, saying
that Verne was on a ship which would dock that afternoon.

The dilemma may seem a trifling one, but to Stockton's sensitive nature
it was gross indeed. He and his wife knew that they could offer but
little to make the poet's visit charming. New Utrecht, on the way to
Coney Island, is not a likely perching ground for poets; the house was
small, shabby, and the spare room had long ago been made into a workshop
for the two boys, where they built steam engines and pasted rotogravure
pictures from the Sunday editions on the walls. The servant was an
enormous coloured mammy, with a heart of ruddy gold, but in appearance
she was pure Dahomey. The bathroom plumbing was out of order, the
drawing-room rug was fifteen years old, even the little lawn in front of
the house needed trimming, and the gardener would not be round for
several days. And Verne had given them only a few hours' notice. How
like a poet!

In his letters Stockton had innocently boasted of the pleasant time they
would have when the writer should come to visit. He had spoken of
evenings beside the fire when they would talk for hours of the things
that interest literary men. What would Verne think when he found the
hearth only a gas log, and one that had a peculiarly offensive odour?
This sickly sweetish smell had become in years of intimacy very dear to
Stockton, but he could hardly expect a poet who lived in Well Walk,
Hampstead (O Shades of Keats!), and wrote letters from a London literary
club, to understand that sort of thing. Why, the man was a grandson of
Jules Verne, and probably had been accustomed to refined surroundings
all his life. And now he was doomed to plumb the sub-fuse depths of New
Utrecht!

Stockton could not even put him up at a club, as he belonged to none but
the golf club, which had no quarters for the entertainment of
out-of-town guests. Every detail of his home life was of the shabby,
makeshift sort which is so dear to one's self but needs so much
explaining to outsiders. He even thought with a pang of Lorna Doone, the
fat, plebeian little mongrel terrier which had meals with the family and
slept with the children at night. Verne was probably used to staghounds
or Zeppelin hounds or something of the sort, he thought humorously.
English poets wear an iris halo in the eyes of humble American
reviewers. Those godlike creatures have walked on Fleet Street, have
bought books on Paternoster Row, have drunk half-and-half and eaten
pigeon pie at the Salutation and Cat, and have probably roared with
laughter over some alehouse jest of Mr. Chesterton.

Stockton remembered the photograph Verne had sent him, showing a lean,
bearded face with wistful dark eyes against a background of old folios.
What would that Olympian creature think of the drudge of New Utrecht, a
mere reviewer who sold his editorial copies to pay for shag tobacco!

Well, thought Stockton, as he crossed the bridge, rejoicing not at all
in the splendid towers of Manhattan, candescent in the April sun, they
had done all they could. He had left his wife telephoning frantically to
grocers, cleaning women, and florists. He himself had stopped at the
poultry market on his way to the trolley to order two plump fowls for
dinner, and had pinched them with his nervous, ink-stained fingers, as
ordered by Mrs. Stockton, to test their tenderness. They would send the
three younger children to their grandmother, to be interned there until
the storm had blown over; and Mrs. Stockton was going to do what she
could to take down the rotogravure pictures from the walls of what the
boys fondly called the Stockton Art Gallery. He knew that Verne had
children of his own: perhaps he would be amused rather than dismayed by
the incongruities of their dismantled guestroom. Presumably, the poet
was aver here for a lecture tour--he would be entertained and feted
everywhere by the cultured rich, for the appreciation which Stockton had
started by his modest little essay had grown to the dimension of a fad.

He looked again at the telegram which had shattered the simple routine
of his unassuming life. "On board Celtic dock this afternoon three
o'clock hope see you. Verne." He sneezed sharply, as was his unconscious
habit when nervous. In desperation he stopped at a veterinary's office
on Frankfort Street, and left orders to have the doctor's assistant call
for Lorna Doone and take her away, to be kept until sent for. Then he
called at a wine merchant's and bought three bottles of claret of a
moderate vintage. Verne had said something about claret in one of his
playful letters. Unfortunately, the man's grandfather was a Frenchman,
and undoubtedly he knew all about wines.

Stockton sneezed so loudly and so often at his desk that morning that
all his associates knew something was amiss. The Sunday editor, who had
planned to borrow fifty cents from him at lunch time, refrained from
doing so, in a spirit of pure Christian brotherhood. Even Bob Bolles,
the hundred-and-fifty-dollar-a-week conductor of "The Electric Chair,"
the paper's humorous column, came in to see what was up. Bob's
"contribs" had been generous that morning, and he was in unusually good
humour for a humourist.

"What's the matter, Stock," he inquired genially, "Got a cold? Or has
George Moore sent in a new novel?"

Stockton looked up sadly from the proofs he was correcting. How could he
confess his paltry problem to this debonair creature who wore life
lightly, like a flower, and played at literature as he played tennis,
with swerve and speed? Bolles was a bachelor, the author of a successful
comedy, and a member of the smart literary club which was over the
reviewer's horizon, although in the great ocean of letters the humourist
was no more than a surf bather. Stockton shook his head. No one but a
married man and an unsuccessful author could understand his trouble.

"A touch of asthma," he fibbed shyly. "I always have it at this time of
year."

"Come and have some lunch," said the other. "We'll go up to the club and
have some ale. That'll put you on your feet."

"Thanks, ever so much," said Stockton, "but I can't do it to-day. Got to
make up my page. I tell you what, though--"

He hesitated, and flushed a little.

"Say it," said Bolles kindly.

"Verne is in town to-day; the English poet, you know. Grandson of old
Jules Verne. I'm going to put him up at my house. I wish you'd take him
around to the club for lunch some day while he's here. He ought to meet
some of the men there. I've been corresponding with him for a long time,
and I--I'm afraid I rather promised to take him round there, as though I
were a member, you know."

"Great snakes!" cried Bolles. "Verne? the author of 'Candle Light'? And
you're going to put him up? You lucky devil. Why, the man's bigger than
Masefield. Take him to lunch--I should say I will; Why, I'll put him in
the colyum. Both of you come round there to-morrow and we'll have an
orgy. I'll order larks' tongues and convolvulus salad. I didn't know you
knew him."

"I don't--yet," said Stockton. "I'm going down to meet his steamer this
afternoon."

"Well, that's great news," said the volatile humourist. And he ran
downstairs to buy the book of which he had so often heard but had never
read.

The sight of Bolles' well-cut suit of tweeds had reminded Stockton that
he was still wearing the threadbare serge that had done duty for three
winters, and would hardly suffice for the honours to come. Hastily he
blue-pencilled his proofs, threw them into the wire basket, and hurried
outdoors to seek the nearest tailor. He stopped at the bank first, to
draw out fifty dollars for emergencies. Then he entered the first
clothier's shop he encountered on Nassau Street.

Mr. Stockton was a nervous man, especially so in the crises when he was
compelled to buy anything so important as a suit, for usually Mrs.
Stockton supervised the selection. To-day his Unlucky star was in the
zenith. His watch pointed to close on two o'clock, and he was afraid he
might be late for the steamer, which docked far uptown. In his haste,
and governed perhaps by some subconscious recollection of the
humourist's attractive shaggy tweeds, he allowed himself to be fitted
with an ochre-coloured suit of some fleecy checked material grotesquely
improper for his unassuming figure. It was the kind of cloth and cut
that one sees only in the windows of Nassau Street. Happily he was
unaware of the enormity of his offence against society, and rapidly
transferring his belongings to the new pockets, he paid down the
purchase price and fled to the subway.

When he reached the pier at the foot of Fourteenth Street he saw that
the steamer was still in midstream and it would be several minutes
before she warped in to the dock. He had no pass from the steamship
office, but on showing his newspaperman's card the official admitted him
to the pier, and he took his stand at the first cabin gangway, trembling
a little with nervousness, but with a pleasant feeling of excitement no
less. He gazed at the others waiting for arriving travellers and
wondered whether any of the peers of American letters had come to meet
the poet. A stoutish, neatly dressed gentleman with a gray moustache
looked like Mr. Howells, and he thrilled again. It was hardly possible
that he, the obscure reviewer, was the only one who had been notified of
Verne's arrival. That tall, hawk-faced man whose limousine was purring
outside must be a certain publisher he knew by sight.

What would these gentlemen say when they learned that the poet was to
stay with Kenneth Stockton, in New Utrecht? He rolled up the
mustard-coloured trousers one more round--they were much too long for
him--and watched the great hull slide along the side of the pier with a
peculiar tingling shudder that he had not felt since the day of his
wedding.

He expected no difficulty in recognizing Finsbury Verne, for he was very
familiar with his photograph. As the passengers poured down the
slanting gangway, all bearing the unmistakable air and stamp of
superiority that marks those who have just left the sacred soil of
England, he scanned the faces with an eye of keen regard. To his
surprise he saw the gentlemen he had marked respectively as Mr. Howells
and the publisher greet people who had not the slightest resemblance to
the poet, and go with them to the customs alcoves. Traveller after
traveller hurried past him, followed by stewards carrying luggage;
gradually the flow of people thinned, and then stopped altogether, save
for one or two invalids who were being helped down the incline by
nurses. And still no sign of Finsbury Verne.

Suddenly a thought struck him. Was it possible that--the second class?
His eye brightened and he hurried to the gangway, fifty yards farther
down the pier, where the second-cabin passengers were disembarking.

There were more of the latter, and the passageway was still thronged.
Just as Stockton reached the foot of the plank a little man in green
ulster and deerstalker cap, followed by a plump little woman and four
children in single file, each holding fast to the one in front like
Alpine climbers, came down the narrow bridge, taking almost ludicrous
care not to slip on the cleated boards. To his amazement the reviewer
recognized the dark beard and soulful eyes of the poet.

Mr. Verne clutched in rigid arms, not a roll of manuscripts, but a
wriggling French poodle, whose tufted tail waved under the poet's chin.
The lady behind him, evidently his wife, as she clung steadfastly to the
skirt of his ulster, held tightly in the other hand a large glass jar in
which two agitated goldfish were swimming, while the four children
watched their parents with anxious eyes for the safety of their pets.
"Daddy, look out for Ink!" shrilled one of them, as the struggles of the
poodle very nearly sent him into the water under the ship's side. Two
smiling stewards with mountainous portmanteaux followed the party.
"Mother, are Castor and Pollux all right?" cried the smallest child, and
promptly fell on his nose on the gangway, disrupting the file.

Stockton, with characteristic delicacy, refrained from making himself
known until the Vernes had recovered from the embarrassments of leaving
the ship. He followed them at a distance to the "V" section where they
waited for the customs examination. With mingled feelings he saw that
Finsbury Verne was no cloud-walking deity, but one even as himself,
indifferently clad, shy and perplexed of eye, worried with the comic
cares of a family man. All his heart warmed toward the poet, who stood
in his bulging greatcoat, perspiring and aghast at the uproar around
him. He shrank from imagining what might happen when he appeared at home
with the whole family, but without hesitation he approached and
introduced himself.

Verne's eyes shone with unaffected pleasure at the meeting, and he
presented the reviewer to his wife and the children, two boys and two
girls. The two boys, aged about ten and eight, immediately uttered
cryptic remarks which Stockton judged were addressed to him.

Pages:
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16