The Ten Pleasures of Marriage and The Confession of the New married Couple (1682) written by A. Marsh

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Nevertheless it is the generall desire of all persons, forasmuch as it
is possible, to live in the World in pleasure and delights. Amongst
the rest the gain of mony is none of the smallest pleasures, and this
appears to be the least burthensom, tho it have much trouble in it.
Therefore is it very much commendable, O young Couple, though you have
a pretty estate of your own, according as your Contract of Marriage
testifies, and as we have also seen by the Wedding you kept, your
apparel, and the other ap and dependances, that you begin to meditate
how to make the best benefit of your stock; and so much the more,
because your Predecessors got it with a slavish diligence, reaped it
together with sobriety, kept it with care, and finally left it unto
you for your great pleasure. It is then also not strange, if you, as
true bred children, keep it carefully, and make the best profit of it;
to the end, that your Successors, when time shall serve, may find that
they have had frugall Parents; and so walk in your footsteps. Verily
this is one of the necessariest meditations in the World. If we could
but any waies make the dead sensible of it in their grave, undoubtedly
the Reliques of your Parents would rejoice at so happy and carefull an
intention of you their children.

And truly, what is there, among other cogitations, more pleasurable,
then to begin with a handsom Shop-keeping? For this through the daily
gain, yeelds every day new pleasures, and by consequence a merry life.
'Tis true, Merchandize bears a greater respect, and yeelds also
sometimes great gains; but with these trouble somtimes, it is for the
most part subject to great and weighty losses, which is the
destruction of young people, and so intangles the merriest part of
their lives, that fears and cares deprives them of their night rest.
If the wind blow hard, they are presently in a fear that the Ships at
sea laden with their Goods and Wares may be Shipwrack'd. If they will
assure them, then the Assurer goes away with the profit: and they are
also so greedy and cunning, that the least storm or bad tiding makes
them very slow and circumspect; or if they be not so, it is to be
feared, so there happen many losses, that then the Assurer himself
might come to be lost.

But the handsom Shop-keeping is the surest and pleasurablest; for
every moment you get new customers as well from abroad as at home, who
buy continually with ready mony; or otherwise pay the old score, and
trust the new. Yea all the news that goes about the City, is brought
home and imparted to you. There's not a man dies, or woman brought to
bed, but you have knowledge of it. Well then, what greater pleasure
can there be then this?

Also, young Woman, you may, through love and care, herein be assistant
to your husband oftentimes, which you cannot do in Merchandize, and so
by degrees learn to understand the Shop, and converse neatly with the
customers; whereby you can in his absence, also help the customers,
and give them pleasing answers, insomuch that you oftentimes attain to
as perfect a knowledge of the Trading, as your husband himself.

You are happy, yea ten times over happy, O housewively young Woman in
this choice, and that not only for your husband, but principally for
your self. For if that mischance might happen to you, that death
should bereave you of your husband, you find your self oftentimes
setled in a way of Trading, which you can manage your self, and set
forward with reputation. Nay though you might happen to have
children, you have the opportunity your self to bring them up in the
same way, and so get a due, faithfull and carefull assistance from
them, which will not so well be done by Men and Maid-servants, and
over whom there is seldom so much command, as over ones own children.

And if your husband continue in health, and find that Trading grows
quick, he perceives that by the assistance of his wife, something else
may be taken by the hand that is also profitable, and then he will
alwaies exercise some sort of Merchandise that is secure and
advantagious.

It is most certain, sweet Woman, you will be the more tied to your
housekeeping, and cannot so often go to visit and take your pleasure
with your Gossips as you formerly did, in Coaches or by Water; as if
your husband had taken any sort of Merchandice in hand; because that a
Woman who is married to a Shopkeeper, is as it were also wedded to the
Counter, by reason you dare not trust your Shop to old, much less to
new men or Maid-servants, because they do not perfectly understand the
Trade, and thereby also find occasion to make one bed serve for both
and junket together; which makes no small confusion in the family; but
little regard must be taken about that, for the importantest must
alwaies be taken care of.

And be assured, if the desire of gain, small Trading, and bad paiment,
begin once to take possession of you, the thoughts of all the former
pleasures will remove, and you will exchange them for those that are
more noble and becoming, _viz._ in the well governing of your Men and
Maid-servants in the Shop and House, and taking inspection that they
be obedient unto you; the Family must be wel taken care of; going to
Market with the Maid to buy that which is good, and let her dress it
to your mind; and every Market day precisely, with the Maid neatly
drest, and following you with a hand-basket, go to take a view of
Newgate, Cheapside, and the Poultry Markets; and afterwards, when your
got a little farther, then to have your Baby carried by you, neatly
and finically drest up; and in hearing of it, whilest it is in the
standing stool, calling in its own language so prettily Daddy and
Mammy. O that is such an extraordinary pleasure, that where ever you
go, what soever you delight in, all your delight is, to be at home
again in your Shop, by your servants; and most especially (when you
have it) to be by your Baby.

And if you do get a fit to be gadding abroad with some of your friends
and neighbours (for one cannot alwaies be tied as if they were in
Bridewell, nor the Bow ever stiff bent) why then you have
Ascen-sion-day, which may as well be used for pleasure as devotion.
And if that be too short, presently follows Whitsontide, then you may
sing tantarroraara three daies together, and get your fill of it. So
that you may find time enough to take your delight and pleasure, tho
you be a little tied to a Shop.

This being then in such manner taken into a ripe deliberation by some
of the nearest relations, it is concluded on to set up a handsom Shop,
and to furnish it with al sorts of necessaries; and by that means make
that you may alwaies say Yea and never No to the Customers.

O how glad the good Woman is, now she sees that her husband, who is
otherwise somewhat stifnecked, lets himself be perswaded to this, by
his friends! and how joyfull is the husband that his Wife, who at
first seemed to be high-spirited, is now herewith so absolutely
contented.

O happy Match, where the delight and pleasure of both parties, is bent
upon one subject. How fast doth this writhe and twist the Bands of
Wedlock and love together! Certainly to be of one mind, may very well
be said to be happily married, and called a Heaven upon Earth.

Here they are cited to appear who display the married estate too
monstrously, as if there were nothing but horrors and terrors to be
found in it. Now they would see how that Love in her curious Crusible,
melteth two hearts and ten sences together. To this all Chymists vail
their Bonnets, though they brag of their making the hardest Minerals
as soft as Milk and Butter. This Art surpasseth all others.

Yet here ought to be considered what sort of Trading shall be pitcht
upon. The man hath good knowledge in Cloath, Silk stufs, French
Manufactures and Galantries, &c. But the Woman thinks it would be much
better, if they handled by the gross in Italian Confits, Candied and
Musk sugar plums, Raisons of the Sun, Figs, Almonds, Pistaches, Bon
Christian Pears, Granad-Apples, and dried fruits; together with Greek
and Spanish Wines, delicate Sack, Muskadine, and Frontinyack Wine;
which is a Negotiation, pleasing to the ey, delicious for the tast,
and beloved by all the World. And by this she thinks she shall procure
as many Customers as her husband, because she hath familiar
acquaintance with severall brave Gentlewomen, that throw away much
mony upon such commodities, and make many invitations, Treats and
Feastings. And she her self could alwaies be presently ready, when she
received an honourable visit.

O happy man, who hath gotten such an ingenious understanding wife!
that takes care and considers with her self for the doing all fit and
necessary things to the best advantage. And really she is not one jot
out of the way, for this sort of Merchandize is both relishing and
delightfull, and must be every foot bought again.

Now the time requires going to market to buy Fir, Oak, and Sackerdijne
Wood, and to order that the Shop may be neatly built and set up. And
you are happy, that Master Paywell, who is a very neat Joiner and
Cabinet-Maker, is of your very good acquaintance, and so near by the
hand: He knows how to fit and join the pannels most curiously
together, and so inlaies, shaves, and polishes the fine wood, that you
would swear it is all of one piece.

Well here again is another new pleasure and delight! If all things go
thus forward, certainly the wedding-cloaths will in a short time be,
at the least, a span too little. O how glad you'l be, when this
trouble is but once over! and that the Shop is neatly built, painted,
gilt, furnished, and finely put into a posture.

O how nobly it appears, and how delightfull and pleasing it will be
when this new Negotiant sees his Shop full of Customers, and he at one
Counter commending, praising and selling, and one servant bringing
commodities to him, and another hath his hands full with measuring and
weighing! And his beloved at another Counter finds imploiment enough
with telling mony, weighing of gold, and discoursing with the
Customers. Then it wil not seem strange unto you, how it came to pass
that your Predecessors got such fine sums of mony together, and left
them unto you to be merry with. Therefore you ought also, even as they
did, to provide your selves with a curious and easie to be remembred
Sign, because your Customers by mistake might not come to run into
your Neighbors Shops.

I have not yet forgotten that your Grandfather, being a Wollen Draper,
first hung out the Sign of the Sheep, and his name was James Thomson,
but by reason of his great custom, they called him, by the nick name,
of James in the Sheep; which remains still as a name to the
generation. And in like manner your wives Grandfather, a well customed
Shopkeeper in silk-stufs, whose name was William Jackson, hung out the
sign of the Silkworm, but his son going to school with another boy
whose name was also William Jackson, for the making a distinction
between them, they gave him the name of William the Silkworm, which
also remains as a name to the Family. This is not common only among
the Londoners, but in other Cities and Country Towns, also among
Coachmen, Wagoners, and others.

But come we wil take our leaves of these people, and turn again to our
new married Couple, who can hardly rest quietly a nights, for the
earnest desire they have to see all things accomplished, and their
Trading going forward. And in time Tom Thumb got on his doublet, tho
he was seven years pulling on the first sleeve. Yet before you come to
this great pleasure, you'l meet with a troublesom obstruction in the
way, which if you can but turn of bravely, it will be much the
pleasanter.

For before the Shop is fully furnisht, you will see what there will be
wanting to fill all the corners and places with commodities that must
be sold by length of time, and to stand out the trust; and also with
patience and meekness expect the coming of mony from slow and bad
paymasters: therefore it begins to be time to speak of the promised
Portion.

Uds bud, what a racket is here now! For the young mans father had made
his full account that he should not already be dun'd for the promised
Portion; not doubting but that the young womans lay all totally ready
told of in bags; and thought to take it in the best sence, I will pay
my son his interest yearly; and afterwards, in peaceable times, when
there's little or no impositions, and that my Coffers are better
furnisht, will then give him the principal.

And seriously the old man seems to deal herein very cordially, since
other mens fathers do not do half so well, and only give this for an
answer, _With young men must be promised, and with daughters must be
given._ And others make their sons give them a bond, wherein he, as by
example, acknowledgeth to be indebted to his father six hundred pound,
whereupon the Father closes the match, and promiseth to give in
marriage with his son six hundred pound: which at last comes to
nothing at all, and only serves for a perfect cheat to deceive and
hood-wink the eys of the pretended Gentlewoman and her Guardians.

It is no wonder where such Matches are made, if, when such things are
discovered, there be a great deal of time spent, before they can come
to the true pleasure.

But you, O new married man, who have a liberal father on your side,
you can get provisionally your interest, and when times mend your
principal. Perhaps it will not be half so well with your wives estate,
for she it may be in her maiden estate, hath spent and run out more in
gaudy apparel, to intice a Lover, then the interest of her estate
could bear, insomuch that the principal is diminished, or the revenues
thereof received and consumed long before they were due.

's Wounds in what a sweat and fear, with these sort of cogitations, is
this approaching new Shop-keeper in! How earnestly he runs to her
Guardians, to see if they will unriddle him this doubt that he is in.
But to his good fortune, he finds it in a much better condition than
he thought he should. For his dearest, hath spent much less in her
apparelling and maintenance, then she could have done, so that there's
not only mony in stock, but rents of her real estate that are yet to
be paid unto her, though there was very much consumed for her Brides
apparel and the other accoutrements. Well this is an extraordinary
pleasure, and a great comfort for his panting heart. Uds life how many
hundred kisses are now offered at the Altar of her sweet lips, that
otherwise would not so much as have been thought upon. Therefore one
may easily perceive that mony increaseth love very much; and that
Lovers in these times are so bent upon mony, and so diligent in search
of it, is no admiration; nay they scruple not to inquire of the
Guardians, and up and down by unsworn Brokers, who negotiate with a
very close intelligence in this sort of Flesh-Trade, and draw ten
double salaries (and that ofttimes too from both sides) if they can
but help anyone to a good bargain, and that he obtains access; and
afterwards wheedle it about so, that it finally comes to be a match.
But what sad issue generally such sort of Matches are attended with,
is well known to the whole World.

You, O Lovers, who seek to be Livry men of the great Company, and aim
to possess the pleasures of Marriage, have a care of the inchanting
voices of these crafty Syrens, because they intend to batter you upon
the _Scylla_ and _Charibdis_ where the Hellish Furies seem to keep
their habitation. These are the only Occasioners of bad Matches, and
such as raise a Scandal of that Estate, which at once affoards both
Pleasure, Mirth and Joy.

[Illustration: 27 _Published by The Navarre Society, London._]

But our new married Couple went clear another way to work, who now to
their full contentment, act so many pretty Apish tricks, injoy such
multiplicities of kindnesses, and toss each other such quantities of
kisses, as if there were a whole Kingdom, or at the least a vast
Estate to be gained thereby: So that they find, that in that estate,
there are not only Ten, but a thousand Pleasures cemented together in
it; whereof in the following shall be demonstrated in some part the
imperfect gloss, but never the accomplished Portrait.

THE SECOND PLEASURE.

_The Husband grows Pipsy; and keeps the first Lying-in: Takes the
Doctors advice. Is mocked by his Pot-Companions._

Just as one Candle lights another, so we see also, that two,
sympathetically minded, know, by the cleaving of their lips together,
how to breathe into each other their burning hearts-desire, wherewith
the one doth as it were kindle the other, and do every moment renew
and blow on again their even just now extinguished delights.

Of this you have here a pattern from our late married, for whom the
longest Summer daies and Winter nights fall too short to satisfy their
affections; they hardly know how to find out time that they may bestow
some few hours in taking care for the ordring and setting all things
in a decent posture in their new made Shop; imagining that they shall
alwaies live thus, _Salamander_-like in the fire, without being ever
indamaged by it. But time will teach them this better. In the mean
while we will make our selves merry with the pleasure of this married
Couple, who see now their Shop fully in order, furnisht with severall
brave goods, and a pretty young fellow to attend it.

But because Customers do not yet throng upon them, they find no other
pastime then to entertain each other in all manner of kind
imbracements, and to chear up their hearts therein to the utmost. Here
it may be plainly seen how pleasant and delightfull it is for the
young woman, because her physiognomy begins to grow the longer the
more frank and jocund.

_So, that to us, her countenance doth display
Her souls content, e're since her Wedding day._

But just as a burning Candle doth consume, though to it self
insensible, yet maketh of hers joyfull by its light, so doth our new
married Man, before few months are expired, find that he becomes the
very subject of flouting at and laughter, among his former boon
Companions; because every one jestingly tells him, that he is sick of
a fever, that the paleness of his Face, the lankness of his Cheeks,
and thinness of his Calves, doth shew it most plainly.

And verily there are some artificial Jesters who do it so neatly, that
he himself beleeves it almost to be true: yet nevertheless, to avoid
their mockeries, casts it of from him as far as possible may be. But
his own opinion doth so clearly convince him, that in himself he
ponders and considers what course is best to be taken.

But housoever as long as he goes and walks up and down, eats and
drinks, he thinks that the tide will turn again. Yet finding himself
inwardly weaker of body rallies with his own distemper, in hopes that
by his jesting, among his merry Companions, he may from them
understand what is best, upon such occasions, to be done or avoided;
and they seriously jesting say to him: O friend, wean yourself from
your wife and Tobacco, and drink Chocolate, and eat knuckles of Veal,
or else you'l become like one of Pharaohs lean Kine. Oh ho, thinks he,
if that be true, I have spent my reckoning this evening very happily.

Now young woman, don't you admire if your husband comes home at night
discontented in mind, for his wits run a Wool-gathering, and he has
walkt in a dump from Towerhill to Tuttle Fields contriving what's best
for him to do, and how to compass the matter neatly. For to remain so
from his dear and delicate Wife, not paying unto her the usual family
duty, is below the generosity of a man; and to tell her what the
matter is, is yet worse. To leave of Tobacco, and eat knuckles of
Veal, is feasible. But to go to a Coffehouse and alwaies drink
Chocolate, that sticks against the stomack.

Nevertheless Necessity hath no Law. And the Occasion overpowers
affection. Insomuch that after a thousand pondrous considerations, he
resolves to deny his dearly beloved Wife a little of that same; and to
that purpose will somtimes in an evening feign to have the headake, or
that he is very dull and sleepy, (which is no absolutely;) and thereby
commands his man to call him up somtimes very early in the morning, as
if there were forsooth Customers in the Shop, &c. and hunts up and
down among the Chocolate Dealers to get of the very best, preparing it
himself in milk, treating all that come to visit him with Chocolate
instead of Tobacco; and he feigning that he hath an extraordinary
delight in it; and on the other side, perswade his wife that he has a
huge mind to eat a knuckle of Veal, some good broath, and new-laid
Egs, or some such sort of pretty conceited diet.

But perceiving that this avails little, and that he grows rather
weaker then stronger; away he trots to the Scotch Paduan Doctor, who
immediately prescribes a small Apothecaries Shop, at the least twenty
or more several sorts of herbs, to be infused in a pottle of old
Rhenish wine, and twice a day to drink half a quartern thereof at a
time: Item a Plaister to be applied to his Stomack; and an unguent
for the pit of the Stomack, under the nose, and to chafe the Temples
of the head; but most especially to keep a good strengthning diet, &c.

But this seems to have too much stir in the view of his wife;
therefore must be laid aside; and away he goes then to a High German
Doctor, who without stop or stand, according to the nature of his
country, Mountebank-like begins to vaunt, as followeth: _Ach Herr, ihr
zijt ein hupscher, aber ein swaccher Venus-Ritter; ihr habt in des
Garten der Beuchreiche Veneris gar zu viel gespatzieret, und das
Jungfraulicken Roszlein zu oftmaal gehantiret; ihr werd ein grosze
kranckheyt haben, wan ihr nicht baldt mein herlich Recept gebraucht,
aber wan ihr dieses zu euch neimt, ihr zold alzo baldt hups gecuriret
warden, zolches das ihr wie ein redlicher Cavalier andermaal
tzoegerust, daz Jonfferliche Slosz besturmen, erobren, und da uber
triomfiren zol. Dan ihr must viel gebrauchen daz weise von Ganze und
Enteneyeren, die wol gebraten sind, Rothkohl mit feysem fleisch
gekockt, alte Huner kleyn gehacket, Hanen Kammen, Swezerichen, Schaffe
und Geisse-milch mit Reisz gekockt, auch Kalbs und Taubengehirn viel
gegessen mit Nucis Muscati; und Reinischer Wein mesich getruncken; es
is gewis wan ihr dieses vielmaal thut, ihr zold wieder kreftich und
mechtich werden, und es werd sijner liebsten auch gar wol gevellich
zein._

_In English thus._

Oh Sir, you are a brave, but a weak Knight, you have walkt too much in
the mid-paths of the Garden, and plukt too often from the Rose-tree,
if you make not use of my noble remedies, you'l have a great fit of
sickness; but if you do take it, you'l be very quickly and dextrously
cured; in such a manner, that like a Warriour you may both storm and
take the Fortress, and triumph over it. Be sure then to make often use
of the whites of Geese and Ducks-Egs roasted, Red-Cabidge boild with
fat meat, old Hens beaten to pieces, Cox-combs, Sweet breads, Sheeps
and Goats milk boild with Rice; you must also often eat Calves and
Pigeons brains with Nutmeg grated in them; and drink temperately
Rhenish Wine; it is most certain that by a frequent doing of this, you
will grow both able and strong again; and it will also be very
acceptable to your dearly beloved.

Here stands the poor Cully again, and looks like a Dog in a Halter,
and perceives that this Doctor Jobbernole gives him an abundance of
words but few effects for his mony; because all his boasting, doth,
for the most part, contain what he had before made use of; and is
therefore unwilling to trouble his wives brain with all that boiling
and stewing, and all the rest of the circumstances. This makes him
take a resolution to let it take its course. But still growing weaker
and weaker, is at last fain to keep his bed, and constrained to send
for one of our own Country Doctors, and makes his complaint to him,
that he is troubled with an excessive head-ake, weakness in the reins
of his back, a lameness in his joints that he can hardly lift his arm
to his head; together with a foulness of his stomack, which makes him
that he can retain nothing, but is forc't to vomit all up again, &c.
Out of all which reasons the Doctor perfectly understands the ground
of his distemper; and in the absence of his wife, reveals it unto him.

O how delicately these Cards are shufled! if the game go thus forward,
it will come to be a stately Pleasure! but principally for the Doctor,
who privately simpers at the playing of his own part, and never fails
to note down his Visits; but most especially if he have the delivery
of the Medicins into the bargain; placing them then so largely to
account as is any waies possible to be allowed of; which makes the
Apothecary burst out into such a laughter, as if he had received the
tiding of a new Bankrupt.

But go you forwards Doctor, it must be so, you have not studied for
nothing; and it is no small matter to be every time ordering of new
remedies; especially when we see that you constantly write.

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