The Ten Pleasures of Marriage and The Confession of the New married Couple (1682) written by A. Marsh

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Who can imagine or comprehend the jollity of this new Father? O he is
so overjoyed that it is inexpressible: Doll and Peg must out
immediately to give notice of it to all the friends and acquaintance;
thinking to himself that every body else will be as jocund and merry
at it as he is. Do but see how busie he is! behold with what
earnestness he runs up and down the house to give order that the great
Caudle Skillet may be in a readiness!

[Illustration: Folio 127. _Published by the Navarre Society, London._]

What a pleasure is it for him that he sees Mistris _Do-all_ attending
the Midwife, and giving her all manner of warmed beds and other
Clouts, the number and names whereof are without end; and that Mistris
_Swift-hand_ & Mistris _Fair-arse_ are tumbling all things
topsie-turvy forsooth to seek and prepare in a readiness all those
things that are most necessary for the Child; but little doth he think
that they do it more to be peeping into every hole and corner, and to
have a full view of all the Child-bed linnen, then out of needfull
assistance? And wo be to the Child-bed woman, if they do but find any
where a Clout, Napkin or Towel, that by chance hath either a hole or a
rent in it: for one or another of them will with grinning and laughing
thrust her finger through it, and then shew it to the rest, taking
also the first opportunity she can lay hold of, when they are a little
at liberty, to make a whole tittle-tattle about it, and very much
admireth the carelessness and negligence of the Child-bed woman; as if
she were a greater wast-all, and worse house-wife than any of them
else when to the contrary, if you should by accident come into any of
their Garrets, when the linnen is just come home from washing you
would oftentimes find it in such a condition, that you might very well
imagine your self to be in Westminster Hall where the Colours that are
Trophies of honour are hung up, one full of holes, another tatter'd &
torn, and a third full of mildew.

Yet notwithstanding all this peeping and snuffling in to every nook
and corner, they finally get the Child swathled: And then to the
great joy of the Father, it must be presented him in state by the
Midwife, with this golden expression, a Proverb not above two hundred
years old, _Father, see there is your Child, God give you much joy
with it, or take it speedily into his bliss._

Uds bud how doth this tickle him! what a new mirth and pleasure is
this again! see him now stand there and look like a Monky with a Cat
in his arms. O what a delicate pretty condition he's now in!

Well Midwife look to't, for this joy hath taken such a tyrannical
possession of his heart, that doubt not but immediately there will be
a good present for you, when he gives it you back again. 'Tis no
wonder, for if it be a Son, he is at least a thousand pound richer
then he was before: though he may look long enough before he'l find a
Bankers Bond in his Chest for the sum.

Now whilest the Child is swadled and drest up, all the other trinkum
trankums are laid aside; and the Table is spread neatly to entertain
the friends, who not alone for novelties sake, but also out of a sweet
tooth'd liquorish appetite, long to see what is prepared for them. And
I beleeve that although the Kings Cook had drest it, yet there will be
one or another of them that will be discommending something, and brag
that she could have made it much delicater, if there be then any one
that seems not fully to beleeve her, immediately she cites two or
three Ladies for her witnesses, who have given her the greatest praise
and commendations for her dressing of such dishes above all others.
And who can have better judgement than they? This is then a discourse
for at least three hours, for they are all of them so well verst in
the Kitchin affairs, that its hard for one to get a turn to speak
before the other.

But this is an extraordinary Pleasure for this new Father to hear out
of all their prittle pratlings how sweetly they will commend the Quill
that hath received all the Colchester Oisters, Cox-combs, Sweetbreads,
Lam-stones, and many other such like things, for they have found by
experience that such sort of ingredients occasion very much the
kindness of men to their wives. Yes, yes, saies M^{rs}. _Luxury_ it is
very good for my husband, and not amiss for any pallate neither, and
I'm sure the better I feed my Pig, the better it is for me in the
soucing out. And this discourse then is held up with such an
earnestness, and continues so long, that the Child-bed woman almost
gets an Ague with it, or at the least falls from one swooning into
another, whilest there is not so much as any one that thinks upon her.

Happy is the good man, if he can but act the part of a Ninny, and hath
busied himself for the most part in the Kitchin; then he may be now
and then admitted to cast in his verdict; otherwise, let them talk as
long as they will, he is forced in great misery to afford them
audience. But it is much better for him, if, according as the occasion
gives opportunity, there be now and then spoken something concerning
the Child-bed woman, or about the shaking of the sheets, which is
seldom forgotten; because he is now already so far advanced in the
Cony-craft of that School, that he is gotten up to the Water Bucket.

In the mean while Peg runs too and again, almost like one out of her
sences, to hunt for the Nurse, who dwels in a little street upon a
back-Chamber, or in an Ally, or some other by-place; and she is just
now no where else to be found but at t'other end of the City, there
keeping another Gentle woman in Child-bed.

Here is now again other fish to fry, for one will not be without her,
and t'other must needs have her, each pretending to have an equal
right to her. And the Nurse, finding that each of them so much desires
her, thinks no small matter of her self, but that she is as wise as
many a Ladies woman or Salomons Cat, and that her fellow is hardly to
be found. But before some few daies are past, there's a great trial to
be made of the Nurses experience and understanding; for, let them do
what they will or can, the Child will not suck; yea, and what's worse,
it hath gotten a lamentable Thrush. Alas a day what bad work is here
again, the Nurse is so quamish stomackt that she cannot suck her
Mistres, therefore care must be taken to find out some body or other
that will come and suck the young womans breasts for twelve pence a
time; or else her breasts will grow hard with lumps and fester for
want of being drawn. Or else also with the sucking she gets in the
tipples.

Now is the right time to fetch the Apothecary to make ready plaisters,
and bring Fennel-water to raise the milk, that the lumps may be driven
away; and most especially that the cloves in the tipples may be cured.
Help now or never good M^{r}. Doctor, for if this continue much
longer, the young woman perhaps gets an Ague that may then cost her
her life.

Verily, in this state and condition of the woman is also some pleasure
to be found, for you may keep your wife now very cheap; she is not now
so liquorish and sweet-tooth'd, as when she was with Child; which in
deed is very good at all times, but most especially in this pittifull
time for there's now nothing fitter for her to eat then a little good
broth, stew'd Prunes, Caudle, Water-gruel, roasted Apples, or new laid
Egs.

But now, Father, your Pleasure will immediately be augmented, for it
will not be long before you will have some or other Gentlewomen come
to give you a visit, who will then also out of their Closets of
understanding be very much assistant to you with their advice and
counsel for there are very few of them that are not deeply experienced
in Sir _Thomas Browns_ Mid-wivery, and if any thing do happen more
then ordinary, they never want for remedies.

Now there is Doctor _Needhams_ wife, who by her own experimenting,
hath knowledge of several other things: But upon such an occasion as
this, there is nothing better then that the child must be glister'd;
and for the lumps you must indevour through a continual chafing to get
them out of the young womans breasts. But Mistris _Rattle-pate_
relates, how miserably, she was troubled with an humour in her breast,
when she lay in; but that she had alwaies cured her self of it, by
only taking a Sandwich Carrot, and scraping it hollow in the inside,
and then put like a hat upon the tipple, this drew out all ill humour,
without any pain, or the least fear of danger.

Yes truly, saith Mrs _Talk-enough_, I do indeed forsooth beleeve that
that is very good, but here are very sore nipples, and they begin to
be chop'd; and there must be a special care taken for that; therefore
it will not be amiss to strengthen the nipples with a little _Aqua
vitae_, and then wash them with some Rosewater that hath kernels of
Limons steep'd in it. There's nothing like it, or better, I have lain
in of thirteen children, but never tried any thing that did me so much
good, or gave me half the ease. Pray, dear Mistris, be sure to make
use of that, you will never repent it.

But Mistris _Know-all_ saith, that she hath made use of this also, and
found some ease by it; and that she hath tried above an hundred other
things, that were approved to be good; yet of all things never found
nothing under the Sun that was more noble then _Salvator Winter's_
Salve, for that cures immediately: And you can have nothing better.

Yet Mistris _Stand to't_, begins to relate wonderfull operations done
with oyl of Myrrhe; and of the plaisters that are made by the
Gentlewoman in Py-yard.

Now comes the sage Matron Experience, saying that she hath learnt a
secret from a prudent Doctor that's worth its weight in Gold, nor can
the vertue thereof be too much commended. And she hath already
communicated it unto several persons; but there are none that tried it
who do not praise it to be incomparable: therefore she hath been very
vigilant to note it down in S. _John Pain_, and _Nic-Culpeppers_
Works; to the end that her posterity may not only make use of it, but
participate it to others: This is, _Lapis Calaminaris_ prepared,
mingled with a small quantity of May-butter, and then temper them
together with the point of a knife upon an earthen plate, just as the
Picture Drawers do their Colours upon their Pallet, which will bring
it to be a delicate salve; and is also very soft and supple for the
chops of the tipples; nay, though the child should suck it in, yet it
doth it no harm; and it doth not alone cure them, but prevents the
coming of any more.

Yes, saith Mistris _Consent to all_, and my advice is then to take a
little horn, with a sheeps udder, & lay that upon the Tipples, for
that defends them, and occasions their curing much better and sooner.

O what a pleasure it is to hear all the pretty considerations of so
many prudent Doctresses! If _Clement Marot_ might but revive, I am
sure he would find here as many Doctresses, as ever there were Doctors
at Paris. But O how happy will this fortunate new Father be, when he
may but once see the back-sides of all these grave and nice
Doctresses! But my truth, this may very well be registred for one of
the most accomplished Pleasures.

But yet all this doth not help the young woman. Perhaps all these
remedies may be good, saith the Grand-Mother but they are not for our
turns; for alas a day, the very smell of salve makes her fall into a
swoon; neither can she suffer the least motion of sucking, for the
very pain bereaves her of her sences. What shall we do then? to keep a
Wet-Nurse is both very damageable, and cruel chargeable; for
Wet-Nurses are generally very lazy and liquorish, and they are ever
chatting and chawing something or other with the Maids; and in their
manner they baptize it, with saying it is very necessary & wholesom
for the Child. And then again, to put the Child out to Nurse, hath
also several considerations; first it estrangeth much from you, and
who knows how ill they may keep it. Therefore it is best to keep it at
home, and indeavour the bringing of it up with the Spoon, feeding it
often with some pure and cordial diets fit for the appetite, and now
and then giving it the sucking bottle.

But what remedy now? this is all to no purpose: For though the
Grandmother, Nurse, and Ant do what they can, yet all their labour's
lost. And the Child is so froward and peevish, that the Nurse is ready
to run away from it; nay, though she dandle and play with it alwaies
till past midnight, it is but washing the Black-a-more; in so much
that a Wet-Nurse must be sought for, or away goes the Child to
_Limbo_. For this again is required good advice, and the chusing of a
good one hath its consideration: But the tender heartedness and kind
love that the Mother hath for her Child can no way suffer this, she
will rather suck it her self though the pain be never so great. Yet
having tried it again a second time, the pain is so vehement that it
is impossible to withstand it; therefore the new Father cannot be at
quiet till there be a Wet-Nurse found and brought to them. For it goes
to the very heart of both Father and Mother to put the Child out to
Nurse.

And do but see after much seeking and diligent inquiring, the new made
Grandmother, hath at last found one, who is a very neat cleanly and
mighty modest woman, her husband went a little while ago to the
_East-Indies_, & her child died lately.

This is no small joy but an extraordinary Pleasure, both for the new
Father, and Child-bed woman. Oh now their hearts are at rest. And now
all things will go well; for as the Wet-Nurse takes care of the Child;
the dry Nurse doth of the Mother, & all this pleases the good Father
very well.

Now Child-bed-woman your time is come to make much of your self, that
you may recover strength. Now you wont be troubled with the pains of
sucking, or disturbed of your natural rest: now you must let the
Wet-Nurse take care for every thing, and look after or meddle with
nothing your self. Now you must sleep quietly, eat heartily, and groan
lustily. And though you be very well and hearty, yet you must seem to
be weak and quamish stomackt; for first or last the month of lying-in
must be kept full out. Do but think now by your self what you have a
mind either to eat, or drink; the first and worst daies are with the
tossing and turmoiling passed by; neither can you recover any strength
with eating of Water-gruel, sugar-sops, rosted Apples, and new laid
Egs; you are not only weary of them, but it is too weak a diet for
you. The nine daies are almost past, and now you must have a more
strengthening diet; to wit, a dish of fine white Pearch, a roasted
Pullet, half a dozen of young Pigeons, some Wigeons or Teal, some
Lams-stones, Sweetbreads, a piece of roast Veal, and a delicate young
Turky, &c. And whilest you are eating, you must be sure to drink two
or three glasses of the best Rhenish wine, very well sweetned with the
finest loaf sugar, you must also be very carefull of drinking any
French wine, for that will too much inflame you.

O new Father, what a Pleasure must all these things be for you; and
especially, because now you begin at the Bed-side to eat and drink
again with your Child-bed wife; and you begin also to perceive that if
all things advance as they hitherto have done, you may then again in
few daies make fresh assaults of hugging and embracing her.

This is that jolly month or six weeks that all women talk so
pleasantly of; because it learns them alwaies such a curious
remembrance. And really it is almost impossible that the husband at
these rates can grow lean with it; because he as well as his wife sits
to be cram'd up too: And he can now with his dearest daily contrive
and practice what the Nurse shall make ready, that his Child-bed wife
may eat with a better appetite, and recover new strength again. I
would therefore advise the carefull Nurse as a friend, that she
should be sure to provide her self with the _Compleat Cook_, that she
might be the more ready to help the Child-bed woman to think upon what
she hath a mind to have made ready, for her brains are but very weak
yet; so that she cannot so quickly and easily remember at first what
is pleasantest and wholesomest to be eaten.

O thrice happy new Father that have gotten such a prudent diligent and
carefull Nurse for your Child-bed wife! what great Pleasure is this!
And behold, by this delicate eating and drinking, your Dearest begins
from day to day to grow stronger and stronger; insomuch that she
begins to throw the Pillow at you, to spur you up to be desirous of
coming to bed to her: Yea, she promiseth you, that before she is out
of Child-bed, she will make you possessor of another principal and
main Pleasure.

* * * * *

[Illustration: Folio 141. _Published by the Navarre Society, London._]

THE NINTH PLEASURE.

_Of the Gossips Feast._

Now, O new Father, you have had the possession of eight pleasures,
which undoubtedly have tickled you to some purpose.

But now there is a new one approaching, that will be as full of so
many joyfull delights and wishings of prosperity, as ever the first
and most famous hath been; for it seems as if your Child-bed wife
begins to be a weary of this lazy liquorish life, and to leave off her
grunting and groaning; because she now longs to be gadding up and down
the street, or standing at the dore with her Babe in her arms.

But before this can be done, you know that there ought to be a Gossips
Feast kept. To this end the Nurse must be sent abroad; and a serious
Counsel held, as if the Parliament of women were assembled, to consult
who shall be invited, and who not. 's Wounds, what a list of relations
and strange acquaintance are here sum'd up in a company together, to
be invited to the Gossipping Feast. 'Tis impossible, the Nurse can
ever do this all in one day; because she would not willingly miss any
of them, out of the earnest hopes she hath of the Presents she
expects. And then also she must give an account to every one of them
that are invited of the state and condition of the Child-bed woman and
her Child. I wonder that there is no body that sollicites to have the
Office of an Inviter to all such sort of Gossippings, but the women
understand these affairs and the ordering of such sort of invitations
much better than any one else, therefore 'tis not necessary.

O, new Father, what a sweet Delight and Pleasure you must needs have
in reviewing this great List of your Gossips! What multiplicities of
wishes of joy and prosperity have you to expect! But if I were to be
your Counsellor, I assure you I would order the Nurse to desire Doctor
_Toss-bowl_, my Lord _Drinkfirst_ and then the other Gentlemen, to
wit, Masters _Cleardrinker, Dryliver, Spillnot, Sup-up, Seldom-sober_,
and _Shift-gut_, to fetch home their Wives in good time from the
Gossipping; because you have other mens Wives, who are your near
relations, that you must entertain longer; and they otherwise will
never think of rising or going home though it were midnight: And by
this means you will have a fit opportunity, with a full Bowl and a
Pipe, to wash away that rammish sent of a Child-bed out of your
brains; and also after many hopes, once arrive to the height of
receiving your full delight and pleasure. And then you may e'en clap
it all together upon the account of a Lying-in.

Now Nurse, here you have work by whole hand-fulls: for you shall no
sooner have made an end of your other errands, but immediately there's
so much tricking and pricking of all things up in neat order against
the coming of the sharp-sighted guests; that it's a terror to think
on't. Their eys will fly into every nook and corner; nay the very
house of Office must be extraordinary neat and clean; for Mistris
_Foul-arse_, Gossip _Order-all_, and Goody _Dirty-buttocks_, will be
peeping into every crevise and cranny: And because they will do it
forsooth, according to their fashion, they make a shew as if they must
go to the necessary Chamber, with a Letter to _Gravesend_, only to
take an inspection whether it be as cleanly there as it is upon the
Gossipping Chamber where all the Guests are. And 'tis a wonder if they
do not look into the Seat, to see whether there be no Spyders webs
spun in it; or whether the Goldfinders Merchandize be of a good
colour, equal-size and thickness.

But come let's pass all this by: for in the middle of these
incumbrances, the time will not only fly away; but we shall, at the
hour appointed, be surprized by our Guests. Uds life, how busie the
Wet and Dry-Nurses are with dressing the Babe neatly. Now Father,
look once upon your Child! O pretty thing! O sweet-fac'd dainty
darling! 'tis Father's own picture! Well what would not one undergo to
be the Mother of so fine an Angel! And who can or dare doubt any thing
of it, for the Mother loves it, and the Father beleeves it, nay and
all the friends that come tumbling in one upon another to-day, do
confirm it: For behold, every one looks earnestly at the Babe; and
doth not a little commend his prettiness. One saith it is as like the
Father (alias Daddy) as one drop of Water is like another. Another,
that the upper part of the face, forehead, eys and nose incline very
much to be like the mother; but downwards it is every bit the Father.
And who forsooth should not beleeve it, if it be a son. Every one is
in an admiration. O me, what a pretty sweet Infant! Nurse, you have
drest it up most curiously! And truly there's no cost spar'd for the
having very rich laces.

Thus they ly and tamper upon this first string, till the Child-bed
woman begins to enter upon the relating what great pain in travell she
had to fetch this Child out of the Parsly-bed, what a difference there
was between her, and others of her acquaintance, &c. Thereout every
one hath so much matter, as would make a long-winded sermon; and the
conclusion generally is the relating how and when the good man crept
to bed to her again; and how such a one had been a fortnight with
Child, before she went to receive her churching. Where upon another
comes with a full-mouth'd confession, that her husband was not half so
hot.

Do but tarry a little yet, till the Gossipping-bowl hath gone once or
twice more about with old Hock; then you'l hear these Parrots tell you
other sorts of tales.

In the mean while, do but see the husband, poor _Nicholas None-eys_
how he rejoyces, that his wife is so reasonable strong again; and that
she is so neatly trickt up sitting in state in the best furnished
room, by the bed-side! O what a pleasure this is! O how he treats all
the women with delicate Marget Ale, and Sack and Sugar! [unless he
begin to bethink himself, and for respects sake or frugality, sets
some bottles aside; because he perceives it to be nothing else but a
vast expence and womens Apish tricks]. How busie he is in carving for
them of his Roast-beef, Capons, Turkey-py, Neats-tongue, or some other
savoury bit to make their mouths relish their liquor the better; and
then stand fast Bowls and glasses for they resolve not to flinch from
it. And indeed why should he not? for he is now a whole estate richer
then he was before; and what need he care for it then.

Well behold here! Now the womens mouths are a beginning to be first a
little warm; and none of them all can be silent, though they should
speak of their own Commodities.

O how happy would you be, O Goodman _Cully_, if you had but as many
ears as _Argus_ had eys, that you might hear every where, whilest you
are carving and serving of them, what pretty sweet stories and
discourses, these sorts of Parrats will be talking of? For Mistris
_Sharp-set_ relates, what a pleasure she oft times received in it, to
keep School-time with her husband at noons, as soon as they had
feasted their carkasses well: but that conning of her lesson had
caused her severall times to make a journy to the Parsly-bed.

At this Mistris _Sincere_ wonders extreamly; saying how strangely
these things happen to one woman more then another. In our Parish
there is a married woman brought to bed, but she was so miserably
handled by the Midwife, that no tongue can express it. Insomuch that
Master _Peepin_ the Man Midwife, was fain to be fetcht, to assist with
his Instrument; it was a very great wonder that the woman ever escaped
it; which is most lamentable indeed to be related; and too sad indeed
to be placed by me among the Pleasures of Marriage.

In the mean time, at the t'other end of the Chamber, Mistris
_Fairtail_ relates a pretty story how their Maid was very curiously
stitcht up by their Tailor; and how she was every foot running
thither, then to have a hole finely drawn that she had torn in her
Petti-coat, another while to have her Bodice made a little wider, and
then again to have her stockins soled.

It is no wonder, (saith Mistres _Paleface_) that this should happen to
a poor innocent servant Maid; there was my husbands first wives niece
M^{rs}. _Young-rose_ that modest Virgin, she kept such a close
conversation & daily communication with Master _Scure_, that at last
there appeared a little _Cupid_ with little ears, and short hair.

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