The Ten Pleasures of Marriage and The Confession of the New married Couple (1682) written by A. Marsh

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In the mean while the servants they ly simpring, giggling, and
laughing at one another, doing just what they list, and wishing that
their Mistris might be alwaies in that temper, then they were sure to
have the more freedom to themselves: the which, though done by
stealth, they make as bad as may be: and yet hardly any man, tho he
had the eyes of _Argolus_ can attrap them; for if by chance you should
perceive any thing, they will find one excuse or another to delude
you, and look as demure as a dog in a halter, whereby the good man is
easily pacified and satisfied for that time.

And these things are more predominant, when there is a cunning slut of
a Maid, that knows but how to serve and flatter her Mistris well,
getting her by that means upon her side: in such cases you'l generally
see two maids where one might serve, or else a Chair-woman; the one to
do all the course work, the other to run of errands and lend a helping
hand (if she hath a mind to it) that all things may the sooner be set
in order; & she then with her Mistris may go a gadding.

And because Peggy & her Mistris, do in this manner, as it were, like a
Jack in a box, jump into each others humour, the good woman may take
her rest the better; for she hath caretakers enough about the house.
And if the husband, coming from the Change or other important affair,
seems to be any waies discontented, that all things lies stragling
about the house, & are not set in order, presently crafty Peggy finds
a fit expedient for it with complaining that her Mistris hath had
such an insufferable pain in her head and in her belly, that it was
beyond imagination; & also she could get no ease for her, unless she
had prepared her some butter'd Ale, and a little mul'd Sack; and this
is the reason why all things were not so ready as they ought to have
been.

Herewith the good mans mouth is stopt. If he begins afterwards to
speak with his wife concerning th'unnecessary Chair-women; his answer
is, prithee Sweetheart, don't you trouble your self with those things,
leave that to me, I'l manage that to the best advantage; men have no
understanding about house-keeping; & it is most proper for a woman to
have the governance of her Maids. And also Sweetheart, if there be now
and then occasion for a semstress or a Chair-woman, they are things of
so small importance, that they are not worth the speaking of.

Now, if he will have peace and quietness at home, this reply must give
him full satisfaction; and tho he be never so patient, viewing all
things at a distance; yet the maids behind his back, that their
Mistris may more then overhear it, dare call him, a Tom _Peep in the
pot_, or _Goodman busiebody_. And before dinner is fully done, he must
hear _Peg_ asking her Mistris; Mistris, wont you please forsooth, to
go by and by and give Mistris _Moody_ a visit, or discourse a little
with Madam Elenor? As long as you have nothing to do, what need you
ty your self to any thing? Pray tell her that story that the North
Country Gentleman related, which you laught at yesterday so heartily.
Madam _Elenor_ will admire at it. And I'm sure she hath something that
she will relate unto you. Herewith the good Mistris begins to get a
drift, and away she goes with _Peg_ out of dores. Let it go then as it
will with the house keeping.

This is also no small pleasure, when the Mistris and the Maid alwaies
agree so lovingly together! then the husband need not go any more out
of Town to please his wives fancy; for she can now find pleasure
enough by her old acquaintance sweet Mistris _Moody_, and courteous
Madam _Elenor_.

Do but see now, O Lovers, what multiplicity of roses, and thistles
there are in the very Porch of the Wilderness of Marriage; you may
think then what the middle and end must be.

* * * * *

[Illustration: Folio 54. _Published by the Navarre Society, London._]

THE FOURTH PLEASURE.

_The Wife goes a pratling by her Neighbours; complaining of her
barrenness, and takes Physick for it._

Verily it is a great pleasure for the new married couple, that they
have been up and down taking their pleasure, and have been feasted by
all their acquaintance.

Now they have travelled from place to place, and taken a full view of
what friends and relations each other hath; and seen also the great
difference there is in the ornaments, neatness, manners and
deportments of each place, and also how pleasant the _Hills_, _Dales_
and _Meadows_ lie, with their silver streaming Brooks; but most
particularly, how neatly and compleatly one may, for their mony, be
treated. Yet come finally to a consideration within themselves of the
weakness and vanity of this pleasure; perceiving that all those who
possess it, at last conclude it burthensom, and have a longing desire
to be at home again in a frugal management of house-keeping at their
own Tables.

Verily, this is that happy hour of pleasure that the new married man
hath been long seeking for; to the end he might once be freed from all
such idle expences, and be again carefully looking after his affairs
and vocation. Now he begins to hope that all things will come into a
handsom posture; also not doubting, but that his wife will, having had
her full swing and hearts content of treats and all other sorts of
pleasures, begin like a House-Wife, to order her self to take some
care for the concerns of the Family, which indeed oft-times falls out
so, to the great joy, profit, and tranquility of the good man.

But can it be possible that this sweet pleasure should be so disht up,
without some bitter sauce of discontent? O kind Husband, if you will
beleeve that, then you may well think the whole state and term of your
marriage to be a Paradice upon earth; and that you have already got
footing in the high-way to all fullness of pleasures and contentments:
Yet tarry a few daies, and then experience will give you a better
understanding of further pleasures.

For the new Wife is no sooner come to be at quiet; but she begins to
complain, that she can hardly addict her self to this new way of life;
that it appears very strange and odly to her to converse with a new
Maid, by reason she must be telling her this thing, and commanding
her the t'other; and have a regard of all what she does, which are
things that she before never used to trouble her self with; and that
it is such a trouble to her to be out of her Parents house, in a
strange dwelling place: Nay, this oft-times surges so high, that the
good man hath his hands full of work to comfort her, and to talk these
foolish fancies out of her noddle; and verily, unless he can bridle
her frivolous humour with some pleasant discourses, and dry up her
tears with no small number of kisses; oh then he'l be sadly put to't.
And if this all falls out well, before six weeks are at an end,
there'l appear another dark cloud again, to eclipse this splendant
Sunshine.

For behold, within a very small time the good woman begins to scrape
acquaintance, and get some familiarity with her neighbours, which
increaseth from day to day more and more; nay oftentimes it comes to
that height, she's better to be found among her neighbours, then at
home in her own family. Here she sees Mistris Wanton playing with her
child that is a very pretty Babe. There she sees Mistres _Breedwell_
making ready her Child-bed linnens and getting of her Clouts together.
Yonder Mistris _Maudlen_ complains that she doth not prove with child;
& then Mistres _Young-at-it_ brags how nearly she could reckon from
the very bed-side. Oh then she thinks I have been married this three
months, and know nothing at all of these things; it is with me still
as if I were yet a maid: What certainly should be the reason thereof?

This is the first occasion that begets a great disturbance in the
brain-pan and imagination; and wo be to the good man, if he doth not
understand his Py-work well! Then to the end she may hear the better
how things goes; she inquires very earnestly amongst her acquaintance
what caresses they receive from their husbands; and most shamlesly
relates what hath passed between her and her husband, twixt the
curtains, or under the Rose; which she doth to that purpose, that she
may hear whether her husband understands his work well, and whether he
doth it well, and oft enough; and also whether he be fully fit for the
employ, &c. for the verification whereof the Councel of women bring so
many compleat relations, that it is a shame to think, much more to
speak of them.

Whosoever she speaks with every one pities her, and gives her their
advice: And the best sort will at the least say to her, I would
oftentimes treat my husband with such sort of spices as were good for
my self, _viz._ Oisters, Egs, Cox-combs, sweet breads, Lam-stones,
Caveer, &c. and counsell him every morning to go to the Coffe-house
and drink some Chocolate; & above all things advise him to desist from
Tabacco and drying things, or any other things that are too cooling
for the kidneys. And then I would many times my self by dallying with
him, and some other pretty Wanton postures, try to provoke him to it;
whereby he should surely know that it was neither your coolness, nor
want of desire that might be blamed in it; but rather alwaies confess,
that you had sufficiently done your indeavour.

Who will doubt but that she puts this advice, in operation? O happy
man, who art now every foot treated with some new sorts of kickshaws
at your Table; and have free leave to frequent the Coffy-house, which
other women grumble and mumble at. And besides all this, you find that
your dearest embraceth you as if you were an Angel, and shews you a
thousand other friendly entertainments that are beyond imagination to
express: it is alwaies in the evening, my Dear come to bed: and in the
morning, pray Love ly a little longer. These are most certainly very
great pleasures.

But if the Woman marks that this helps not, and that all things remain
in the old posture, then she begins to mump and maunder at her
husband; vaunting much of her own fitness, and not a little suspecting
her husbands; oftentimes calling him a Fumbler, a dry-boots, and a
good man Do-little, &c.

This makes him look as if he had beshit him self. And though he never
so much indeavours to vindicate himself; and also to perswade her from
the reasons and examples given by several learned Doctors; Culpepper;
the Queens Midwife; and some others of his friends and acquaintance
that he demonstrates unto her; it is all but wind. She still
complains, I must have a Child, or else I shall run distracted.

And this manner of frantickness hath so vehemently struck into her
brains, that the very house seems to burn over her head: Insomuch that
she's no sooner risen from her bed or from the Table, but immediately
she goeth a gadding amongst the neighbours; and takes other peoples
children in her arms, kissing and slabbring of them so unmeasurably,
as if she would almost devour them with love; nay she useth more
simple and childish actions with them, then ever own mothers have
done. By which means the children have many times as great an
affection for their neighbour, as they have for their own Father and
Mother.

This gadding out of dores doth undoubtedly a little trouble her
husband: But when he begins to consider, that his wife by this means
knows how to handle, and make much of children; and then again, that
she thus beforehand learns it for nothing; it must of necessity be no
less then a great pleasure for him. And so much the more, whilest she
is pratling with her neighbour, and playing with her child; he is
freed from the curse of hearing her sighs and complaints to have a
child. For she's no sooner within the dores, but she talks of her
neighbours child, and wishes with the loss of all that shes worth in
the World that she had such a one too; which continues alwaies so
long, that finally she bursts out into the like former frenzy against
her husband: see there I must have a child also, or else I shall run
distracted.

But what remedy? which way he turns or winds himself, he finds no
means or way how to pacifie his wife. And therefore thinks it best
himself to take th'advice of Doctor, and most especially with that
French Doctor, who is so renowned for his skill of making many men and
women that before were barren and unfruitfull to conceive children:
Insomuch that they do now every year precisely bear a young son, or a
daughter, yea somtimes two at a time. It is thereby also very
necessary that the good woman her self consult with some experienced
Midwives, and old Doctresses; to the end, that those distempers which
are the occasion of barrenness, might be the better removed and taken
away.

To this end there are almost as many Boxes and Gally-pots brought
together, as would near upon furnish an Apothecaries shop: Then to
work they go with smearing, anointing, chafing, infusing, wherewith
(as they term it) the good woman is to be made fresh and fit; but they
make the bed and whole house so full of stink and vapours, that it may
be said they rather stop the good and wholesom pores and other parts
of the body; then to open those that were stopt and caused
Distempers.

But in the conclusion we find it to be both fruitless and miserable,
where the good woman goes to seek it by th'Apothecary; even as her
husband doth out of the Oister and Eg-shels.

And if this will not do now; where shall the poor man hide his head
next? What shall he do more to please and pacifie her? He thinks upon
all the ways and means possible to entertain her to content. If she
will have costly things, he will buy them for her; and dissimulately
saith that all what she practiseth for her content, is his only
pleasure and delight: yea, although her pride and ambition many times
in several things flies too high, and oft-times also doth not happen
to be very suitable with the constitution of the cash; he dares in no
wise contradict her, for he fears that she will presently be at
variance with him again: And thinks in the interim, whilest her mind
hangs upon these things, she forgets her maunding and mumbling for a
child. Still hoping that there will come one happy night, that may
crown his earnest desires with fructivity; this it is that makes him
that he dares not anger her or give her a sour countenance; fearing
that if she might have conceived, that would be the means of turning
the tide.

To be short, it is his only and greatest delight to see that his wife
is well satisfied and receiveth her content and pleasure; which is
very hard to be practised, so long as she is not with child.

But O what a joy there will be if he may be but once so happy as to
hit that mark! How will the first day of her reckoning to ly in stand
in his Almanack, as if it were printed with a red Letter! Well young
people, be contented; Long look'd for comes at last to the
satisfaction of the Master.

* * * * *

THE FIFTH PLEASURE.

_The young Woman proves with Child, and longs._

The old Proverb tels us, that after the sour comes the sweet; and I
find, jolly couple, that it is so with you also; for I hear finally
that your wife is big with child: Well what a Pleasure is that!
Certainly, now you see that all your Doctoring and medicining hath
been to some purpose, and now you feel also that all herbs were made
for some good effects.

How happy a thing it is that you have made use of a learned Doctor,
and an experienced Midwife. Now is the only time to be very carefull,
for fear the least accident might turn the tide with the young woman,
and so she get a mischance, or some other sad mishap; and a mischance
is worse for her than a true Child-bearing; for that weakens nature
abundantly, and oftentimes brings with it several sad consequences, &
Thus the women talk.

[Illustration: Folio 85. _Published by The Navarre Society, London._]

But you, O noble Champion, who have behaved your self so gallantly;
continue now to reap the further conquests of your honour. Look not at
any small matters; and most especially if you hope or desire to gain
the principal prize of your pleasure. For be assured, that you must
suffer much, and see through a perspective glass all things at a
distance; because you never before saw your wife in so gallant a state
and condition as she now is in; and therefore you must cherish and
preserve her much more then formerly you have done. If you hear her
often grunt and groan, mumble and chide, either with the men or
maid-servants; nay, though it were with your own self, you must pass
it by, not concerning your self at it; and imagine that you do it for
the respect you bear your wife, but not by constraint; for it is
common with big-bellied women to do so.

But most especially rejoice in your self, if this grunting and
groaning happen only by day time; because then you may somtimes avoid
it, or divertise your self with other company. Yet by night generally
shall the good woman be worst of all? therefore be sure to provide
your self well with pure Aniseed, Clove, Cinamon-waters, and good
sack, that you may therewith be ready to strengthen and assist her.
For it will often happen that when you are in your best and first
Sleep, that your dearest wil waken you and complain of pain at her
heart, of dizziness and great faintness; then all what is in the house
must be stirring, and you your self also, though it be never so cold,
out of the bed you must with all the speed possible. Comfort your self
herewith, that this was one of the pleasures which you got with your
wife, though it was not set down in the Contract of marriage.

Now for this again you alwaies receive the honour, that when you are
invited with her to any place at a treat, the best that is upon the
Table shall be presented to the big-bellied woman: Yea if she long or
have a desire to any thing; immediately every one that observes it,
are ready to serve her with it; nay, though there were never so little
in the Dish, her longing must be fully satisfied, if no body else
should so much as tast of it. And by this means oftentimes the good
woman is so ill and disturbed, that she is forced to rise from the
Table, and falls from one faintness into another; which for civilities
sake, is then baptized, that she hath sat too high or been throng'd,
or that the room being so full, the breath of the people offended her.

And though she perceives that this very food makes her so ill; yet for
the most part she will be so choice and so dainty, that she seldom
knows her self what she will eat or hath a mind to; but generally it
tends to some thing or other that is delicate: Upon this manner again,
according to the former custom, she tumbles it in till she is sick
with it; and if any one looks but very wishly at her; immediately
another saies to them; she must eat for two, nay perhaps for three.

And not only that in this manner she grows so delicate and gluttonous;
but is thereby so easie and lazy, that she can hardly longer indure
her sowing cushion upon her lap. Also sitting is not good for her, for
fear the child thereby might receive some hindrance and an
heartfullness. Therefore she must often walk abroad; and to that end
an occasion is found to go every day a pratling and gossiping to this
and then to another place; in the mean while leaving her husband
without a wife, and the family without a mistris.

Then in conclusion this falls also burthensom to her, (as it is
generally with all things that are too frequently used) then she will
be for spurring you up to walk abroad with her, that she may get all
sorts of fruits and other fopperies that the season of the year
affords; and at the first baiting-place she's for some Cream with
sugar, stewd prunes, and a bottle of sider or perry; and thus abroad
to spend much, and at home neglect more.

If she have then gone somthing far, she is so excessive weary with it,
that if her life must ly at stake, she cannot set one foot further.
Herewith is the poor man absolutely put to a stand: ride she may not,
or all the fat would be in the fire; and they are so deep in the
Country that there is somtimes neither Coach nor boat to be had.

And if you should happen to be where a River is, there's never a boat
to be had; but if there should be one, then you must be subject to
humour the churlish Ferry man, who seeing the necessity of the
occasion, and that you are able to pay for it, will have what price he
pleases. And somtimes again you are timorous your self to hazard it,
because many women are very fearfull upon the water.

But indeed, if by this unhappy occasion, a good expedient may be found
to please your dearly beloved, it is no small joy. Well then make your
self jocund herewith, to the end that other troubles may not so much
molest and disturb you.

You may also be very well assured, that your wife no sooner comes to
be a little big-bellied, but she receives the priviledge to have all
what she hath a mind to & that is called Longing. And what husband can
be so stern or barbarous that he will deny his wife at such a time
what she longs for? especially if it be a true love of a woman, you
must never hinder her of her longing; for then certainly the child
would have some hindrance by it.

Forasmuch then as is necessary that you alwaies seek to avoid and
prevent this, you must observe, that all women when they are with
child, do fall commonly from one longing to another: And then the
providing and buying of that for them, must be as great a pleasure to
you as it is to them in the receiving and use of it; and that not
alone for theirs, but your childs sake also. And truly he that will or
cannot suit himself to this humour, will be very unhappy, because he
shall not then receive the full scope and freedom of this pleasure.

It is also most certain that these longing desires doth transport
their imaginations from one finical thing to another: If it be in the
summer, then they long for China Oranges, Sivil Lemmons, the largest
Asparagus, Strawberries with wine and sugar, Cherries of all sorts,
and in like manner of Plums, and these they must have their fill of:
And then when they have gotten through the continuance their full
satisfaction thereof; then be assured they begin to long for some
great Peaches and Apricocks; And though they be never so scarce and
dear, yet the woman must not lose her longing, for the child might get
a blemish by it.

If then Apples and Pears begin to grow ripe, you have the same tune to
sing again; for she is possessed with a new longing desire as bad, as
if it were a Quotidian Ague in all the joints of her body; and
whatsoever comes new to her sight, creates in her a fresh longing. If
she gets one hour curious Catherine Pears, Pippins, or Russetings, the
next she hath a mind to Filberds; and then an hour or two later Wall
nuts and Grapes fall into her thoughts; do what you will there's no
help for it, her longing must be satisfied, let it go as it will, or
cost what it will.

And this her longing leads her from one thing to another, of all what
the richness of the summer, or liberality of the harvest, out of their
superfluities pour down upon us. Insomuch that the good man wishes a
thousand times over that he might once be rid of these terrible
charges and great expence.

But alas what helps it? there's no season of the year but gives us
some or other new fruits that the women have alwaies a new longing
desire to. And if it be in the Winter, then they long for juicy
Pomgranates, new Wine upon the must, with Chesnuts; then for
Colchester Oisters; then again for Pancakes and Fritters; and indeed
for a thousand several sorts of such toys and fancies as do but appear
before their longing imaginations. And oftentimes it is no real
longing, for that were then pardonable, but a liquorish delicate
desire that they are sick of; as may be seen by those who simply
imagine themselves to be with child, are alwaies talking of this and
t'other dainty that they long after. And that which is worst of all,
is that both they and those that are really with child, long commonly
for that which is scarcest and hardest to be gotten: Yea in the very
middle of winter they oftentimes long to have a Greengoose or young
Chickens; which in some places are very hard to be got, and not
without paying excessive dear for them.

This longing being so satisfied; immediately arises another, and
nothing will serve but Meats, and several sorts of Comfits. Yea how
often happens it, though it rain, snow, and is very slippery, that
both the husband and the maid, if never so dark and late in the night,
must trot out and fetch candied Ginger, dried Pears, Gingerbread, or
some such sort of liquorish thing. And what is to be imagined, that
can be cried about in the streets by day time, but her longing before
hath an appetite prepared for it?

Yea through an excessive eating of raw fruits, and feeding upon
multiplicities of sweet-meats; to fulfill their longing; it turns to a
griping of the guts and overflowing of the Gall, which again occasion
Cholick, & manytimes other lamentable pains. Here is then another new
work. There the Doctor must be presently fetcht, and according to what
he pleases to order, either a Glister must be set, or some other
Physick taken for it.

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