The Ten Pleasures of Marriage and The Confession of the New married Couple (1682) written by A. Marsh

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[Illustration: Folio 30. _Published by The Navarre Society, London._]

O how merry they were all of 'em! And how deliciously were all the
dishes dress'd and garnisht! What a credit this will be for the Cook
and Steward! Indeed there was nothing upon the Table but it was Noble,
and the Wine was commended by every one. They have all eaten
gallantly, & drunk deliciously. Well, this is now a pleasant
remembrance.

And you, O young Woman, you are now both Wife and Mistris your self;
you are now wrested out of the command of your grinning and snarling
narrow-soul'd Tutors (those hellish Curmugions) now you may freely,
without controul, do all what you have a mind to; and receive
therewith the friendly imbracings, and kind salutes of your best
beloved. Verily this must needs be a surpassing mirth.

And you, O new made husband, how tumble you now in wantonness! how
willingly doth liberal Venus her self, open her fairest Orchard for
you! Oh you have a pleasure, that those which never tried, can in the
least comprehend.

Well, make good use of your time, and take the full scope of your
desires, in the pleasant clasping and caressing of those tender limbs;
for after some few daies, it may be hungry care will come and open
the Curtains of your bed; and at a distance shew you what reckonings
you are to expect from the Jeweller, Gold-smith, Silk-man,
Linnen-Draper, Vinter, Cook and others.

But on the t'other side again, you shall have the pleasure to hear
your young Wife every moment sweetly discoursing that she must go with
her Sister and her Aunt to buy houshold-stuf, Down-beds, dainty Plush
and quilted Coverlets, with costly Hangings must be bought: And then
she will read to you, her new made Husband, such a stately Register,
that both your joy of heart, and jingling purse shall have a
fellouw-feeling of it.

For your Sweetest speaks of large Venetian Looking-glasses,
Chiny-ware, Plush Chairs, Turkish Tapistry, Golden Leather, rich
Pictures, a Service of Plate, a Sakerdan Press, an Ebbony Tabel, a
curious Cabinet and child-bed Linnen cupboard, several Webs for
Napkins and Tabel-cloaths, fine and course linnen, Flanders laces, and
a thousand other things must be bought, too long to be here related:
For other things also that concern the furnishing of the house, they
increase every day fresh in the brains of these loving and prudent
Wives.

And when the Wife walks out, she must either have the Maid, or at
least the Semstress, along with her; then neighbour John, that good
carefull labourer, must follow them softly with his wheel-barrow,
that the things, which are bought, may be carefully and immediately
brought home.

And at all this, good Man, you must make no wry faces, but be pleasant
and merry; for they are needfull in house-keeping, you cannot be
without them; and that mony must alwaies be certainly ready, get it
where you will. Then, saies the Wife, all this, at least, there must
needs be, if we will have any people of fashion come into our house.

You know your Beloved hath also some Egs to fry, and did bring you a
good Portion, though it consist in immovable Goods, as in Houses,
Orchards, and Lands that be oftentimes in another Shire. Thither you
may go then, with your Hony, twice a year, for the refreshing of your
spirits, and taking your pleasure to receive the House-rents, fruits
of the Orchards, and revenues of the Lands. Here every one salutes you
with the name of Landlord; and, according to their Country fashion,
indeavour to receive you with all civilities and kind entertainment.
If, with their Hay-cart, you have a mind to go and look upon the Land,
and to be a participator of those sort of pleasures; or to eat some
new Curds, Cream, Gammon of Bacon, and ripe Fruits, all these things;
in place of mony, shall be willingly and neatly disht up to you.

For here you'l meet with complaints, that by the War the Houses are
burnt, the Orchards destroied, and the growth of the Fields spoiled!
therefore it is not fit that you should trouble the poor people, but
think, this is the use, custom, and fruits of War. If the Impositions
and Taxes run high, the Country Farmer can't help that; you know that
the War costs mony, and it must be given, or else we should lose all.

At such a time as this, your only mirth must be; that, through this
gallant marriage, you are now Lord of so many acres of Land, so many
Orchards, and of so many dainty Houses and Land. If your mony bags
don't much increase by it at present, but rather lessen, that most no
waies cloud your mirth. Would you trouble your self at such trivial
things, you'd have work enough daily. We cannot have all things so to
our minds in this World. For if you had your Wives Portion down in
ready mony, you'd have been at a stand again, where, without danger,
you should have put it out at interest; fearing that they might play
Bankrupt with it. Houses and Lands are alwaies fast, and they will pay
well, when the War is done.

Therefore you must drive these vapors out of your head, and make your
self merry, with the hearing that your friends commend the
entertainment they have had to the highest; and that two or three
daies hence; the merry Bridemen and Bridemaids, with some of the
nearest acquaintance, will come _a la grandissimo_ to give you thanks
for all the respect & civilities that you have so liberally bestowed
upon them; which will be done then with such a friendly and
affectionate heart, that it will be impossible for you, but you must
invite them again to come and sup with you in the evening, and so make
an addition to the former Pleasure; by which means pleasantness,
mirth, and friendship, is planted and advanced among all the friends
and acquaintance.

'Tis true, you'l be sure to hear that there were some at the Wedding
who were displeased, for not being entertained according to their
expectations; and because their Uncle, a new married Niece, and some
other friends were not seated in their right places; that M^{rs}.
_Leonora_ had a jole-pate to wait upon her; and M^{r}. _Philip_ an old
_Beldam_; M^{r}. _Timothy_ was forced to wait upon a young
snotty-nose; and that Squire _Neefer_ could not sit easily, and
M^{rs}. _Betty's_ Gorget was rumbled; and that _Mal_, and _Peg
Stones_, and _Dol Dirty-buttocks_, were almost throng'd in pieces; and
could hardly get any of the Sweetmeats; but you must not at all be
troubled with this, for 'tis a hard matter to please every body. 'Tis
enough that you have been at such a vast charge, and presented them
with your Feast.

Truly, they ought to have been contented & thankfull to the highest
degree; and what they are unsatisfied with needed not to have cost you
so much mony; for if you had left them all at home, you could have
had no worse reward, but a great deal less charge. Comfort your self
with this, that when it happens again, you will not buy ingratitude at
so high a rate. 'Tis much better to invite them at two or three
several times before hand, and entertain them with a merry glass of
Wine, up and away; and then invite a small company which are better to
govern and satisfied.

'Tis a great deal more pleasure for you, to see your Wives friends
animate one another, to come, a fortnight after the Wedding, and
surprize you; with shewing their thankfulness and satisfaction for the
respect they have received from you; and that they are alwaies
desirous to cultivate the friendship, by now and then coming to give
you a visit.

This is here again a new joy! and as long as you keep open Table and
Cellar for them, that reception will keep all discontent from growing
among them. Yes, and it will please your Wife too, extraordinary well.

And by thus doing, you will not be subject to (as many other men are)
your Wives maundring that you entertained her friends so hungrily and
unhandsomly; but, for this, you shall be both by her, and her friends,
beloved and commended in the highest degree: Yea it will be an
incouragement that they in the same manner, will entertain your
friends like an Angel, and be alwaies seeking to keep a fair
correspondence among them. So that in the Summer time, for an
afternoons collation you'l see a Fruit-dish of Grapes, Nuts, and
Peaches prepared for you; which cold Fruits must then be warm'd with a
good glass of Wine. And in the Winter, to please your appetite, a dish
of Pancakes, Fritters, or a barrel of Oisters; but none of these
neither will be agreeable without a delicate glass of Wine. Oh
quintessence of all mirth! Who could not but wish to get such Aunts,
such Cousins, & such Bridemen and Bridemaids in their marriage?

Therefore, if you meet with one or t'other of your Cousins, press him
to go home with you, to refresh himself with a glass of Wine; O it
will be extreamly pleasing to your Wife, and a double respect paid to
him; because you bring him to a collation among other Cousins, and
pretty Gentlewomen, where the knot of friendship and familiarity is
renewed and faster twisted. And who knows, if you bring in a
Batchelor, but there may perhaps arise a new marriage, which would be
extraordinarily pleasing to your Wife; for there is nothing more
agreeable to the female sex, then that they may be instrumental in
helping their Bridemaids to husbands. And thus you will see a double
increase of your Minions, and your Wife get more friends to accompany
her, and drive fancies out of her head.

If your Wife should fail in her choice of houshold-stuff, and other
sort of those appurtenances; doubt not but these will be prudent
School-Mistresses for her, if she be unexperienc'd, to counsel and
advise her to buy of the richest and newest mode, and what will be
neatest, and where to be bought. Oh these are so skilfull in the art
of ordring things, that you need not dispute with your Wife about the
hanging of a Picture above the Chimney-mantel! for they'l presently
say, there's nothing better in that place then large China dishes; and
that Bed-stead must be taken down, and another set up in the place
with curious Curtains and Vallians, and Daslles: And thus, they will
deliver themselves, like a Court full of wise Counsellors, for the
pleasure and instruction of your Beloved. Well, what could you wish
for more? D'ye talk of mony? Pish, that's stamp'd with hammers: give
it liberally; the good Woman knows how and where to lay it out. If
there be but little mony by the hand; be silent of that, it might
happen to disturb your Dear, and who knows wherein it may do her harm.
It is not the fashion that Women, especially young married ones,
should take care for that. 'Tis care enough for her, if she contrive
and consider what must be bought, and what things will be most
suitable together. For this care is so great, that she never wakens in
the night, but she thinks on't; yea it costs her many an hours rest;
therefore ought not to be so lightly esteemed.

And now, O young husband, since you are come to the first step of the
School to exercise your patience; it is not fit that you should
already begin to grumble and talk how needfull it is to be sparing and
thrifty; that Merchandising and trading is mighty dead; that monies is
not to be got in; and that here and there reckonings and bills must be
paid: O no! you must be silent, tho you should burst with discontent.
For herewith, perhaps, the whole house would be out of order; and you
might get for an answer, How! have I married then a pittifull poor
Bridegroom? This would be sad to hear.

Go therefore to School by _Pythagoras_ to learn silence; and to look
upon all things in the beginning with patience; to let your Wife do
her own pleasure; and to mix hony with your words. Then you shall
possess the quintessence of this Pleasure fully, and with joyfull
steps enter upon the folowing.

* * * * *

THE THIRD PLEASURE.

_The young couple walk daily abroad, being entertained and treated by
all their friends and acquaintance; and then travell into the Country
for their pleasure._

If it be true that there is a Mountain of Mirth and pleasure for young
married people to ascend unto, these are certainly the finest and
smoothest conductors to it; that, because it was impossible to invite
every one to the Wedding, this sweet _Venus_ must be led abroad, and
shewed to all her husbands friends & acquaintance: yea, all the World
must see what a pretty couple they are, and how handsomly they agree
together. To which end they trick and prick themselves daily up in
their best apparel; garnishing both the whole city and streets with
tatling and pratling; & staring into the houses of all their
acquaintance to see whether they are looked at.

[Illustration: Folio 52. _Published by The Navarre Society, London._]

Do but see what a mighty and surpassing mirth! for they hardly can go
ten or twelve furlongs but they constantly meet and are saluted by
some of their acquaintance, wishing them all health, happiness and
prosperity; or by others invited to come in, and are treated according
as occasion presents, wishing them also much joy in their married
estate; Yea the great Bowl is rins'd, and about goes a brimmer to the
good prosperity of the young couple. Well, thinks the young woman,
what a vast difference there is between being a married woman & a
maid! How every one receives & treats you! What respect and honour
every one shews you! How you go daily in all your gallantry taking
pleasure! And how every where you are fawn'd upon, imbrac'd and kist,
receiving all manner of friendship! It is no wonder that all womankind
are so desirous of marriage, and no sooner lose their first husbands,
but they think immediately how to get a second? Oh, saith she, what a
fulness of joy there is in the married estate, by Virginity! I resolve
therefore to think also upon my Bridemaids, and to recommend them
where ever there is occasion.

And this is the least yet, do but see! what for greater pleasure! for
every foot you are invited out here & there to a new treat, that is
oft-times as noble and as gallant as the Wedding was, and are plac'd
alwaies at the upper end of the Table. If next day you be but a little
drousie, or that the head akes; the husband knows a present remedy to
settle the brain; and the first thing he saith, is, Come lets go to
see Master or Mistriss such a one, and walk out of Town to refresh our
selves, or else go and take the air upon the _Thames_ with a Pair of
Oars. Here is such a fresh mirth again that all _Lambeth_, the
_Bankside_, and _Southwark_ shakes with it. Oh that _Apollo_ would but
drive his horses slowly, that the day might be three hours longer; for
it is too soon to depart, and that for fear of a pocky setting of the
Watch. So that its every day Fair-time. Well, who is so blind that he
cannot see the abundant pleasures of marriage?

To this again, no sooner has the young couple been some few daies at
rest, and begin to see that the invitements decline; but the young
woman talks of going out of Town together, and to take their pleasures
in other Towns and Cities, first in the next adjacent places, and then
to others that ly remoter; for, because she never was there, and
having heard them commended to be such curious and neat places, she
hath a great mind to see _Oxford_ and _Cambridge._

Yea, and then she saith, my dear, we must go also to see _York_,
_Glocester_ and _Bristol_, and take our pleasures those waies; for I
have heard my Fathers Book keeper often say, that it is very pleasant
travelling thither, and all things very cheap. And when he began to
relate any thing of Kent, and its multiplicity of fruit, my very heart
leapt up for joy; thinking to my self, as soon as I am married, I
will immediately be pressing my husband that we may go thither;
because it seem'd to me almost incredible. And then again he would
sometimes relate of _Herefordshire_ what delicious Syder and Perry is
made there, which I am a great lover of; truly Hony, we must needs go
that way once, that I may say I have satiated my self with it, at the
Fountain-head. Ah, my dearest, let us go thither next week.

It is most certain that the Good-man hath no mind at all to be thus
much longer out of his house, & from his vocation; by reason he is
already so much behind hand with his loss of time in Wooing, Wedding,
Feasting and taking pleasure; but alas, let him say what he will, he
cannot disswade her from it.

_You may as soon retort the wind,
As make a woman change her mind._

In the night she dreams on't, and by day she talks on't, and alwaies
concludes this to be her certain rule. "The first year won't come
again. If we don't take some pleasure now, when shall we do it! Oh, my
Dear, a year hence we may have a child, then its impossible for me to
go any where, but I shall be tied like a Dog to a chain: And truly,
why should not we do it as well as they & they did; for they were out
a month or two, and took their pleasures to the purpose? my Mother,
or my Cousin will look to our house; come let us go also out of Town!
For the first year will not come again."

Well, what shall the good man do? if he will have quietness with his
wife, he must let her have her will, or else she will be daily
tormenting of him. And to give her harsh language, he can't do that,
for he loves her too well. His father also taught him this saying, for
a marriage lesson, _Have a care of making the first difference._ If he
speak unkindly to her, his Love might be angry, and then that would
occasion the first difference, which he by no means willingly would be
guilty of; for then these Pleasures would not have their full swing.

Well, away they go now out of Town: But, uds lid, what a weighty trunk
they send the Porter with to the Carriers! For they take all their
best apparel with them, that their friends in the Country, may see all
their bravery. And besides all this, there must be a riding Gown, and
some other new accoutrements made for the journy, or else it would
have no grace.

Now then, away they go, every one wishing them all health and
prosperity upon their journy, & so do I.

But see! they are hardly ridden ten mile out of Town, before the young
woman begins to be so ill with the horses jolting, that she thinks the
World turns topsie-turvy with her. Oh she's so ill, that she fears she
shall vomit her very heart up. Then down lights her husband, to take
her off, and hold her head, and is in such a peck of troubles, that he
knows not which way to turn or wind himself. Wishing that he might
give all that he's worth in the World to be at a good Inn. And she
poor creature falling into a swoon, makes him look as if he had bepist
himself, & though he sighs and laments excessively she hears him not;
which occasions him such an extremity of grief that he's ready to tear
the hair off of his head. But the quamishness of her stomack beginning
to decline, she recovers; and rising, they walk for a little space
softly forwards; the good man thinking with himself how he shall do to
get his dearly beloved to an Inn, that she may there rest her
distempered body. And then getting her up again, they ride very softly
forwards, to get to the end of their journy.

Truly, I must confess, that amongst the rest of the Pleasures of
marriage, this is but a very sorry one. But stay a little, yonder me
thinks I see the Steeple, we shall be there presently; the little
trouble and grief you have had, will make the salutations you receive,
and the scituation of the place seem so much the pleasanter. And these
dainty green Meadows will be a delicate refreshment. You'l find your
stomack not only sharpned, but also curiously cleansed of all sorts of
filthy and slimy humours. And you light not sooner from your horse
then your appetite is ready to entertain what ever comes before you:
The good Man in the mean while is contriving at whose house he shall
first whet his knife, and where he thinks his poor wearied wife will
receive the best entertainment and caresses, to drive out of her
imaginations the troubles and wearisomness of her journy; which will
the easier be dispensed with, when she walks out to see the rarities
of the place, and to visit your Cousins and relations. And so much the
more, because every one will be wishing the new married couple much
joy, receiving them kindly, and doing them all manner of pleasures and
civilities: which I assure you is no small matter of mirth.

But every thing must have an end. It is therefore now very meet to
speak of removing to some other City. But let the husband say what he
will of travelling by horseback, she is struck on that ear with an
incurable deafness.

They must have a Coach to themselves, and the great Trunk must go
along with them, or else the whole journy would have no grace. Neither
would it be respect enough for them in the presence of so many good
friends and acquaintance, unless the Coach come to take them up at the
dore. And it must be done to. Here now one is returning thanks for
th'entertainment, and the other for their kind visit, and withall wish
the young couple that all content, pleasure, and delight may further
attend them upon their journy, &c. Then it is Drive on Coachman, and
away fly the poor jades through the streets, striking fire out of the
liveless stones, as if Pluto just at the same time were upon the
flight with his Proserpina through the City.

But, O new married couple, what price do you little think this mirth
will stand you at? What man is there in the World, that hath ever an
eye in his head, but must needs see, that if he tarry out long, this
must be the ready way to Brokers-Hall. Yet nevertheless I confess you
must do it, if you intend to have any peace or quietness with your new
wife.

These are the first fruits and pleasures of marriage, therefore you
must not so much as consider, nay hardly think, of being so long from
home, though in the mean while all things there is going also the
ready way to destruction; for it is the fashion, at such times, that
maid, man, and all that are in your service, to act their own parts;
and so merry they are that they possess their own freedom, and keep
open Table, that the whole neighbourhood hears their laughter. Ask the
neighbours when you come home, and you will quickly hear, that by them
was no thought of care or sorrow; but that they have plaied, ranted
and domineer'd so that the whole neighbourhood rung with it; and how
they have played their parts either with some dried Baker, pricklouse
Tailor, or smoaky Smith, they themselves know best.

Down goes the spit to the fire; the pudding pan prepared; and if there
be either Wine, Beer or any thing else wanting; though the Cellar be
lockt; yet, by one means or another, they find out such pretty devices
to juggle the Wine out of the Cask, nay and Sugar to boot too; that
their inventions surpass all the stratagems that are quoted by the
Author of the English Rogue; of which I could insert a vast number,
but fear that it would occasion an ill example to the unlearned in
that study. Howsoever they that have kept house long, and had both men
& maid-servants, have undoubtedly found both the truth and experience
hereof sufficiently. And how many maids, in this manner, have been
eased of that heavy burthen of their maidenheads, is well known to the
whole World.

These are also some of the first fruits and delights of marriage; but
if they were of the greatest sort, they might be esteemed and approved
of to be curable, or a remedy found for prevention. Yet let them be of
what state and condition they will, every one feels the damage and
inconvenience thereof, ten times more then it is outwardly visible
unto him, or can comprehend. For if you saw it you would by one or
other means shun or prevent it. But now, let it be who it will,
whether Counsellor, Doctor, Merchant, or Shopkeeper; the one neglects
his Clients Suit, the other his Patients, the third his Negotiation &
Trade, and the fourth his Customers; none of them all oft-times
knowing from whence it arises that their first years gain is so
inconsiderable. For above the continual running on of house-rent, the
neglect and unnecessary expensive charge of servants; you consume your
self also much mony in travelling and pleasure; besides the peril and
uneasiness that you suffer to please and complaite your new married
Mistris. O miserable pleasure!

But you will be sure to find the greatest calamity of this delight, as
soon as you return home again; if you only observe the motions of your
wife, for whose pleasure and felicity you have been so long from home.
Alas she is so wearied and tired with tumbling and travelling up &
down, that she complains as if her back were broke, and it is
impossible for her to rise before it is about dinner time; nay and
then neither hardly unless she hear that there is something prepared
suitable to her appetite. If any thing either at noon or night is to
be prepared and made ready, the husband must take care and give order
for the doing of it; the good woman being yet so weary, that she
cannot settle her self to it; yea it is too much for her to walk about
her chamber, her very joints being as it were dislocated with the
troublesomness of the journy.

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