The Ten Pleasures of Marriage and The Confession of the New married Couple (1682) written by A. Marsh

A >> A. Marsh >> The Ten Pleasures of Marriage and The Confession of the New married Couple (1682)

Pages:
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16

Now they try to imploy the son in the shop, who delights in no less
melody then the tune of that song: letting slip no occasion that he
can meet with to get out of the shop; and shew himself, with all
diligence, willing to be a Labourer in the Tennis Court, or at the
Bilyard Table; and is not ashamed, if there be hasty work, in the
evening, to tarry there till it be past eleven of the clock. What a
pleasure this vigilance is to the Father and Mother, those that have
experience know best. Especially when they in the morning call their
son to confession, and between Anger and Love catechize him with
severall natural and kind reproofs.

'Tis but labour lost, and ill whistling, if the horse won't drink.
What remedy? turn it, and wind it so as you will.

_The son his mind to study is full bent,
Or else will live upon his yearly rent._

Here must be a counsell held by wisdom, prudence, love and patience.
Here also the imaginations of incapableness or want of monies must be
conquered; for to constrain a son to that he hath no mind to, is the
ready way to dull his genious, and perhaps bring him to what is
worser, to wit, running after whores or Gaming. And to teach him how
to live upon his yearly means, the tools are too damn'd costly. So
that now the Parents have true experience of the old Proverb.

_The Children in their youth, oft make their Parents smart,
Being come to riper years, they vex their very heart._

Nevertheless, after you have turn'd it and wound it so as you will,
the sending of him to the University of Oxford bears the sway; and
there to let him study Theology being the modestest Faculty, by one of
the learnedst and famousest Doctors. And verily, he goes forward so
nobly, that, in few months, before he half knows the needfull
Philosophy, he is found to be a Master of Arts in Villany. And
moreover, the Parents were by some good friends informed, that lately
he was acting the domineering student, and being catcht by the watch,
was brought into the Court of Guard; but through the extraordinary
intercession of his own and some other Doctors, they privately let him
go out again.

A little longer time being expired, he sends Post upon Post dunning
letters; his quarter of the years out, his Pockets empty, and the
Landlady wants mony; besides there are severall other things that he
wants, both of Linnen and Woollen; all which things yield an
extraordinary Pleasure, especially, if the mony which is sent, without
suffring shipwrack, be imploied and laid out for those necessaries.

For some students are so deeply learnt, that they consume the monies
they get in mirth and jovialty, and leave their Landladies,
Booksellers, Tailors, Shoomakers, and all whom they are indebted to,
unpaid. Nay, his own Cousin, that studied at Cambridge, knew very
learnedly how to make a cleaver dispatch, with his Pot-Companions, at
Gutterlane, of all the mony that was sent him by his Parents, for his
promotion; and under the covert of many well studied lies desired
more.

But who knows, what wonderfull students tricks, before he is half so
perfect, your son will have learnt, to make his Father and Mother
merry with; for, as I have heard, he hath gotten so much aquaintance,
that he hath the Bookseller to be his friend, who sets down the prizes
of the Books he delivers, three times as much again as they are worth;
and for the overplus, he, with some other students, are bravely merry
together.

Yea, he's come so far himself, that he doth, to get mony, know how to
sell his best Authors; and sets in place of them some Blocks very
neatly cut and coloured like gallant Books. And if any one comes that
will lay their hands upon them; he saith immediately, eat, drink,
smoke and be merry to your hearts content; but whatsoever you do,
touch not my books; for that's as a Medean Law and an inviolable
statute in my Chamber; as it doth, to the same purpose, stand written
thus before my Chamber of Books:

_Be jolly, sing, and dance; command me with a look,
One thing I do forbid, you must not touch a Book._

The old Proverb saith, it must bend well, before it can make a good
hook. But it is easie to be perceived by the beginning, what may be
expected from the flexibility of this precious twig. O extraordinary
and magnificent pleasure for the Parents, when they see that their
son, in so short a time, is so damnably advanced! And so much the
more, a little while after, there comes one and tells them by word of
mouth, that there were several Schollars, which were playing some
antick tricks in the night; and amongst some others both their Son and
their Cousin were apprehended, and at this very present sad
accusations were brought in against them. In the mean while, the
Chancellor, having heard that they are all persons of good Parentage,
and that there will be brave greasing in the case, laughs in his fist
because such things as those are generally moderated and assopiated
by the means and infallible vertue of the correcting finger hearb.

This brings the Parents a fine Bartholomew Baby to play with; and if
there ly loosely in a corner a fifty pound bag they will go nigh to
see how they may make use of it. And this gives a horrible
augmentation to the Pleasures of Marriage! But let them turn it and
wind it which way they will, the Parents must go thither, and seek by
all means possible according to their ability, to pacific the matter.

As they are upon their journy, they hear in every Town where they
come, how debauched and wicked lives the Students leads, not only
concerning that which was lately done at Oxford, but at other places
also. Which makes them be in no small fear, whether their son, perhaps
may not be guilty only of this, but some worser misdemeanor, and is
therefore at present clapt up.

Here Master Truetale begins to relate, that lately there were four
Students, who for some petulancy, had been at Confession by the Mayor,
and he with their vomiting up some Guinies, gave them their
absolutions; but they perceiving that hereby their purses were cruelly
weakned, and that the return of monies did not come according to
expectation, took a resolution to get some revenge of him for it. And
he having built a new house, caused it, by a curious Workman, to be
neatly painted on the outside: which these four Students seeing, they
took a good quantity of Tar, and did so damnably bedawb it, that it
looked as if old Nick had been there with his rubbing brush. Which the
Mayor seeing in the morning, seemed to be little troubled at it; but
said, certainly some body hath done this, that I have taken too little
mony of, and therefore in gratitude have, for nothing, thus bepainted
my delicately painted house.

But nevertheless the Mayor sends in the evening five or six Spies
abroad into those Taverns and Alehouses where the lightest Students
generally frequented; who were smoking and drinking there, and amongst
other discourses related, how it tickled their fancies, that the
covetous Mayor was served such a delicate trik, &c. Whereupon some of
them hearing that the action was so much commended, and that the Mayor
made no search about it, saies, that was my work with James Smith the
Londoner, Jack Dove the Kentishman, and Sanny Clow the Scotch man.
Upon this they were all four apprehended in the night, and very
cleaverly clapt by the heels, &c.

Hereupon Mistriss Credit, said, There are no such wicked inventers of
mischief, as moniless Students; of which we had lately a new example,
for some of those Blades wanting mony, were resolved to act this
trick, _viz._ Some few daies before there was a malefactor hanged,
and one of them between eleven and twelve of the clock at night, gets
hard by the Gallows where he hung, and feigned to be the spirit of the
malefactor; sometimes appearing, and then again vanishing; in the mean
while the rest of his companions, all separate from each other, as if
they had been strangers, placed themselves not far from it. Each of
them seemed to be frightned, and shewed unto all the passers by that
there was the spirit of the malefactor that was executed. This run
forward like wild fire, in somuch that the number of the spectators
increased abundantly. And whilest every one was so busie in beholding
it, the moniless Students were as serious in picking of their Pockets,
cutting the silver buttons off their cloaths, which no body perceived,
till the Spirit was vanished, and they were gotten home. So did I
know, saith Master Mouth, two necessitous Students, who at a
Fair-time, observed that a Country man, having sold some commodities
that he brought to Market, had received five or six Crown pieces for
them; and went amongst the Booths to buy somthing, but feared in the
throng one or another might steal them from him; therefore would not
trust them in his Pocket, nor with his Purse in the breast of his
doublet; but puts them in his mouth; saying, No body I'm sure can take
them from thence, and walks into the Booths, there cheapning a hat;
in the mean while, one of these Students goes to the very next Booth,
buies some pedling thing, and pulling mony out of his Pocket to pay,
saith what a pox is the meaning of this? Just now I had several Crown
pieces, and now I have nothing; and since that, there hath no body
else been near me, but this Country fellow; and begins to catch him by
the shoulders; saying, hark ye Squire, I miss several Crown pieces
which I had but just now. This so amazed the Country man, that he
began to mumble with the Crown pieces in his mouth; whereupon the
Student said, I verily beleeve the villain hath them in his mouth. The
Country man answered thereupon, those that I have in my mouth are my
own, I received them just now for some commodities; But let the
Country man say what he would, it was not beleeved; he was lamentably
beaten, his Crown pieces taken from him, and given to the Student.

By this you may perceive, saith Master Otherway, that the Proverb is
true, _Poverty is subtle_. I was lately told of some poor troublesom
Students, who had, a little way off the City, caused a dainty Feast to
be made ready for them; and knowing that the Landlord had a brother,
whom he extreamly loved, which lived about five and twenty miles off;
write a Letter to the Landlord, and therein acquaint him that his
Brother was very desperately sick, oftentimes calling for him;
therefore if he would see and speak with him alive, he must with all
possible speed immediately come thither, &c.

Then they found out such a cleaver contryvance to have this Letter
delivered into the hands of the Landlord, that he had not the least
distrust of a cheat; but away he rides immediately. In the mean while,
these Students committed much sauciness and wantonness with the
Mistriss and the Maid; till at last locking them both up in a Chamber,
away they went without paying.

To this a Miller that sate close by, relates, that lately, not far
from his house, two Students laid violent hands upon a woman, and
bound her to a Post.

'Tis a Wonder, saith Master Demure, proceeding forward, that since
they commit such wicked and so many base actions, more of these
Students are not apprehended. When I dwelt at my Country house, there
came a parcel of these drunken blades, that were expresly gone abroad
to play some mad tricks; they pulled down the pales of my neighbors
Garden; and one among them that served for Chief, commanded pull off
these planks, tear up this Post, &c.

In the mean time, a poor Country man coming by with his empty Wagon;
begs of this commander, that he would be pleased to bestow upon him
those old Planks and Posts for his winter firing, because he was so
poor, that he knew not where to get any: which this Gentleman granting
him, he laies on a lusty load upon his Wagon.

Being drove a pretty way of, the owner comes to the place, and sees in
what a lamentable condition his Garden lay; asks who had done it, and
understands that they were Students which had taken their march
towards some of the adjacent Country Towns, but that the Country man
with his Planks, must needs be got very far from the City, &c. Away
runs the owner with all speed, makes his complaint, and gets an order
to arrest the poor Country man, his horse and Wagon. Who coming to be
examined at his triall, was condemned to be set in the Pillory, with
two Planks set before him, upon which must be written in great white
Letters.

_Garden-Theef._

These wicked Students stood together to behold this, and laught till
they split, to see that this poor innocent Country man, must suffer
such shame and punishment for his winter firing.

Just in the same manner, not long ago, some divellish Students, had
taken a heavy rail from before a house which was newly set there, but
hearing that the Watch or Bell man approched; they presently whept it
before another mans dore, where there was none; and leaning all of
them over the rail; saluted the Watch with saying, Good night
Gentlemen, Good night; and the Watch the like to them again: But the
Watch was no sooner gone then they fell to breaking of it all in
peeces, and run away as fast as they could drive.

Those people are unhappy, saith Master Talkon, especially such as live
in Country Towns, that are near to Cities where there are
Universities; for many times one or another must be a sufferer from
these roguish natured Students; and they imagine in themselves that
all what the Country people possess must be at their pleasure and
disposition. Whereby it happens, in the Summer, that for their wicked
pastime, they go to rob the Orchards of the best fruit, and to steal
Hens, Ducks, and Pigeons; and then again to destroy the Fields of
Turnips, Carrots, Parsnips, Beans and Pease, &c. Tearing up such
multiplicities, that it would be incredible if we should relate it
all. But it is common for them to destroy ten times as much as they
can eat or carry away.

And when the Summer is past, that there are no fruits either in
Orchards or Fields; then their whole delight and recreation is to
commit insolencies in the Streets of the City by night; and if they
can but any waies put an affront upon the Watch; that is laught at,
and esteemed to be an heroick act.

It hapned lately, that some Students walking out of Town, saw a little
boy in the Fields, that was holding the cord of an indifferent Kite,
which was in the Air, in his hand; they laughing at him, said, The
Kite is bigger than the Boy; come let us ty the cord about the Boy,
then they will not lose one another. And immediately catching hold of
the Boy, they forced the cord from him, and bound it fast about his
middle in a great many knots, then went their way.

Whilest the Boy was very busie and indeavouring to unty the knots, the
Wind grew high, insomuch that the Boy used all his strength to hold
back the cord; but his strength failing him, he was with a furious
blast snatcht up by the Kite from the ground, and presently after let
fall again into a pretty deep ditch, where the poor innocent Boy was
unhappily drowned.

It would be sempiternal for us here to make a relation of all the
petulancy and wickedness of Students, whereof these and other Parents,
each in their particular, are miserably sensible of. For every one
acts his own part, but it tends altogether unto wickedness,
lavishness, and troublesomness.

Here you may see Master Empty-belly takes the greatest delight in the
World, nobly to treat some Northern Gentlemen of his acquaintance and
Pot-companions, and then again to be treated by them: where there is
an absolute agreement made, that when any one of them gets mony from
their Parents, he shall give the company a treat of five Guinnies. And
though they generally observe, that before they part, one quarrel or
other arises, and the Swords drawn; yet this Law is inviolabler, than
ever any Statutes of Henry the VIII. were. Which continued so long
till one of them be desperately wounded or killed, and he that did it
apprehended; and to the great greef of his Parents tried for his life,
or else flies his Country, to save it.

Others we may see, that have no greater pleasure then to sit whole
nights with their Companions playing at Tables; and there game away
Rings, Hats, Cloaks and Swords, &c. and then ply one another so close
with whole bumpers of Sack and old Hock, that they are worse then
senceless beasts, feeling and groping of the very Walls, and tumbling
and wallowing to and fro in their own nastiness. And esteem it to be a
Championlike action if one can but make the t'other dead drunk by his
voracity of sucking in most. As if they intended hereby to become
learned Doctors.

Some again are most horribly addicted to frequent the pestilential
Bawdy-houses; of which they are never satisfied, till mony, cloaths,
books, and their own health of body is consumed; and then come home to
their Parents soundly peppered.

Some there are that oftentimes so deeply ingage themselves with their
Landlords daughters, that they can answer to her examination without
the knowledge either of their Parents or Doctors, and are fit for
promotion in the Art of Nature. But if the Landlady hath never a
daughter of her own, there's a Neece or Neighbors daughter, which
knows how to shew her self there so neatly, that with her tripping and
mincing she makes signals enough, that at their house Cubicula locanda
is to be had. And these are the true Divers, that know infinitely well
how to empty the Students Pockets.

Thus doth every one act their parts. Whilest the Parents are
indeavouring to gather and scrape all together that they can, that
their Son, who is many times the onliest or eldest, may go forward in
his study, and become perfect in one Faculty. And the more, because
they see that he is sharp-witted, and according as his Doctor saith, a
very hopefull young man. Little thinking that he makes as bad use of
those natural benefits, as he is lavish of his mony.

But it is a common saying that the London-youths must have their
wills. Which oftentimes occasions, that when they have studied a long
time in Divinity, they finally turn to be some Inns of Court
Gentlemen; fearing that their wild Students life, might in any other
vocation, be cast in their teeth.

Yet somtimes it also happens, that from the very first they behave
themselves modestly, and advance so gallantly in their Studies, that
it is a comfort for their Parents, and great benefit for themselves.
But nevertheless, though they obtain their Promotion with
commendation, reputation, and great charges; yet it is all but
fastidious, unless their Parents can leave or give them some
considerable means; or that they through their brave behaviours,
perfections, and sweet discourses, can inveagle themselves in to a
rich match. For many years are spent before they can get a Parsonage
or Benefice, and when it doth happen in some Country Town, the means
will hardly maintain them.

If he be a Counsellor or Doctor of Physick, what a deal of time runs
away before he can come in to practice! especially if in the one he
hath not the good fortune to get the two or three first causes for his
Clients; and in the other, not to make satisfactory cures of his first
Patients. Therefore, what a joy would it have been for the Parents if
their Son had spent his time in understanding Shop-keeping, and been
obedient to the exhortations of his Parents!

But though some do this, and are therein compliant to their Parents;
yet we perceive that this also is subject to many vexations, by reason
that the children through a contrary drift, many times disturb their
Parents night rest; especially when there are such kind of Maids in
the house, that will listen to their humors and fancies.

These will, for the most part, please their Master and Mistriss to the
full; and do all things so that their Mistriss shall be satisfied, and
have no occasion to look out for another: And yet, in the mean while,
all their main aim is, to get and intice the son, with their neatness,
cleanliness, friendliness, and gentileness, to be on their side. To
that end knowing how, as well as their Mistriss, to Hood themselves,
curl their locks, and wantonly overspread their breasts with a peece
of fine Lawn, or Cambrick, that they seem rather to be finically over
shadowed then covered, and may the better allure the weak eys of the
beholders.

These know that Dame Nature hath placed her best features in a City
Maid, as well as in a Lady at Court: And that there are no keener
Swords, or stronger steels to penetrate through the hearts of men,
then the handsom bodiedness, comly and kind behaviour of women.

This is oftentimes the occasion that the son hath more inclination
towards her, then he hath for a Gentlewoman of a good family and
indifferent fortune; nay it transports him so, that they finally make
use of one bed; and the son (much unexpected by the Parents) is come
to be Father himself. But what an inestimable Pleasure of Marriage
this is for the new Grandfather and Grandmother, every one may judge.
Especially, if it happens, as I saw once, that the Prentice lay with
his Masters Daughter; and the Son with the Kitchin Wench; and the
Prentice run away with the daughter; and the Son would by all means
marry with the Kitchin Wench. Which was such a great grief for the
Parents, that it might be justly termed rather one of the Terrors than
Pleasures of Marriage. So that we see, although the Children be at
home by their Parents, or in the shop, and remain under their view and
tuition; yet nevertheless, by one or other, never to be expected,
occasion, they fall in to evill courses; which every one that brings
up children hath such manifold and several waies experience of, that
it would be infinite and too tiresom to give you an account of all the
Confessions. Therefore we will pass by these (as if we were running a
horse-race), and to shorten our journy, return again to our well
married Couple, from whom we are cruelly straied.

You see and observe then, O well married Couple, what strange tricks
and actions that children will play. If yours act then the part of a
liberal Son, or wanton Student, rejoice therein that you have not
brought forth a dunce or blockhead; but since his Doctor saith that he
is sharp-witted, and a hopefull youth; doubt not, but that you will,
when he comes to his seriouser years, with delight and pleasure see
him to be a great man.

[Illustration: 181 _Published by the Navarre Society, London._]

For it hath many times hapned, that those who have been the maddest
and wildest Students at the University, have afterwards come to be
noble Personages, Ministers of State, and learned Doctors. Of whom we
could relate unto you several examples, if we knew certainly that the
revealing of that Confession would not be ill taken.

Thrice happy are you, O noble Couple, that you are yet in possession
of the Pleasures of the first Marriage, and are not troubled with the
contention of a cross-graind Father-in-law, or Mother-in-law over your
Children, nor with their fore-children, or Children of the second bed.
For whatsoever happens to you now, comes from a Web of your own
spinning, and your love to that, conquers and covers all infirmities;
because we know very well that that certainly compleats one of the
Pleasures of Marriage.

THE NINTH PLEASURE.

_Of base conditioned Maid-servants._

'Tis true, it seems to fall both tart and bitter, when the children
take such lavish courses, and get such wild hairs in their nostrils;
the sons acting the parts of spendthrifts, and petulant Students, and
the Daughters of light Punks; as long as these things remain so, they
appear to be but very sober Pleasures of Marriage. But when we
perceive, that these thorns being past, the pleasant roses appear, and
that these light hearted Students finally come to be gallant
Practitioners; O that affords you the most satisfactory and largest
Pleasure of Marriage that ever could be expected.

So also, if you perceive that your Daughters are lively, active and
airy; that somtimes they would rather go to a Play, then to Church; or
rather be merry of an evening, than at Sermon in the morning, and grow
to be altogether mannish minded; you must then conclude these are
natural instincts. If it happen to fall out, contrary to your
expectation, that she hath more mind to a brave young fellow that's a
Prentice, whose parts and humor she knows, then she hath in a Plush
Jacketted or gilt Midas; then make your selves joyfull in the several
examples that you have of others, who being so married, have proved to
be the best Matches; of which examples multiplicities are at large
prostrated to your view in the Theater of Lovers. So that you do
herein yet find the Pleasure of Marriage.

But it is much farther to be sought for among the vexations which
house-keeping people have not only from children, but from
base-natured, lasie, tailing, lavish, and ill-tongued servants; done
unto them somtimes by their men, but generally by the foolish and
stifnecked Maids. These can make their Master totally forget his Base
Viol and singing of musick, and their Mistriss the playing upon the
Virginals. It was a much less trouble for Arion and Orfeus to charm
all the senceless creatures both of Sea and Land in those daies; then
it is now for house-keepers to bring their servants to a due
obedience.

Pages:
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16