The Ten Pleasures of Marriage and The Confession of the New married Couple (1682) written by A. Marsh

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Others, who love neither Tee nor Coffy, and yet are very desirous to
know what passes in the World; you may find mighty earnestly, for some
hours, stand prating in the Booksellers Shops; alwaies asking what
news is there, what Pamphlets, what Pasquils, what Plays, what Libels,
or any of the like rubbish, is lately come out; and then they must
buy and read them, let it cost what it will.

Here they make the sole balance of State-business. Here, with great
prudence, discourse is held of the importantest State-affairs, and of
the supreamest persons in authority; and in their own imaginations
know more then both the Houses of Lords and Commons. Although they
never sate in Councel with any of their Footmen. Nay they know to the
weight of an ace, and can give a perfect demonstration of it, which of
the three Governments is best, Monarchy, Anarchy, or Democracy. Which
many times takes such a deep root and impression upon them, and
touches them so to the very heart, that they absolutely forget the
governing of their needfull affairs which they went out about; for
when they come to the place where their occasions lay; they find the
person either long before gone abroad, or so imploied with his own
business, that he can hardly a quarter do that he ought to do.

'Tis true some soft natured women, that are as innocent as Doves,
observe not these sort of actions and tricks; but suffer themselves
easily to be fopt off by their husbands; or else by a gentle
salutation are appeased; but others who are cunninger in the cares of
their Shops and Families, can no waies take a view of these doings
with eys of pleasure.

Yet this is nothing near the worst sort, and is naught else but a
kind of a scabbiness that the most accomplishedst marriages are
infected with. And verily if the husbands do thus neglect their times,
and their Wives, in the meanwhile, like carefull Bees, are diligent in
looking after their Shop and housekeeping; they ought, when they do
come home to speak their minds somthing freely to them.

But the imaginary authority of men, many times surges to such height,
that it seems to them insupportable, to hear any thing of a womans
contradiction, thinking, that all what ever they do, is absolutely
perfect and uncontrolable. And can, on the contrary, when their Wives
go to the Shambles or Market, reckon to a minute in what time they
ought to be back again: And wo be to them, if they do, according to
the nature of women, stand and prattle here or there their time away,
concerning Laces, Cookery, and other houshold occasions.

But you, O wel married Couple, how pleasant it is to see that you two
agree so well together! That either is alike diligent and earnest in
taking care of their charge. That your husband many times saith unto
you his houswife, my Dear, it is a curious fair day, go walk abroad,
and give a visit to some or other of your good acquaintance; I shall
tarry at home the whole day, and will take sufficient care of all
things, and in the evening come and fetch you home, &c. And you again
in like manner, upon a good occasion, releeve your husband, and take
delight in his walking abroad with some good friends to take his
pleasure, and to recreate and refresh his tired sences.

If he be a little sickish of that distemper and that he will somtimes
spend a penny upon a Libel or new Tiding; that is a great pleasure for
you, because you know that the Booksellers and Printers must live; and
every fool must have one or t'other bawble to play with.

You had great reason to be dissatisfied if he consumed his mony in the
Tavern or with Tables. But you know that Ben Johnsons Poems, and
Pembrooks Arcadia, did so inchant you, that they forc't the mony out
of your Pocket; yet they serv'd you in your Maiden estate with very
good instructions, and shewing you many Vertues. You may therefore
think, that such men who desire to surge higher in knowledge, will
have somthing also to be reading. And it is most certain, whilest they
are busie with that, their Wives are free from being controled. 'Tis
also undeniable, that men cannot alwaies be alike earnest in their
affairs; for verily if they be so, they are for the most part great
_Peep in the Pots_ and directers of their Wives, who have certainly
their imperfections. And it is the principallest satisfaction, and
greatest pleasure in marriage, when a woman winks or passes by the
actions of her husband; and the husband in like manner the actions of
his wife; for if that were not so, how should they now and then in
passing by, throw a love-kiss at one another; or how should they at
night be so earnest in pressing one another to go first to bed.

'Tis therefore, above all things, very needfull for the increasing of
love, that a woman wink at many of her husbands actions; especially if
he keep no correspondence with Tiplers, that will be alwaies in the
Alehouses; and there too will be serv'd and waited upon, forsooth, to
a hairs breadth; nay, and as we perceive, if the Wife brings in the
Anchovis upon the Table, without watring them a little, as oftimes
happens there, then the house is full of Hell and damnation. For these
smaller sort of Gentlemen, are they who sow strife and sedition
between man and wife, and continually talk of new Taverns and
Alehouses, clean Pots, and the best Wine; they alwaies know where
there is an Oxhead newly broach'd: and the first word they speak, as
soon as they come together, is, Well Sir, where were you yesternight,
that we saw you not at our ordinary meeting place? Ho, saies the
t'other, 'twas at the _Blew Boar_, where I drunk the delicatest Wine
that ever my lips tasted. You never tasted the like on't. If I should
live a thousand year, the tast would never be out of my thoughts. Nay,
if the Gods do yet drink Nectar, it is certainly prest out of those
Grapes. Words cannot possibly Decipher or express the tast, though
_Tully_ himself, the father of eloquence, having drunk of it, would
make the Oration. What do you think then, if you and I went thither
immediately and drunk one pint of it standing? I am sure, Sir, that
you will, as well as I, admire it above all others. Done it is, and
away they go: But it is not long before you see those roses blossoming
in their hands, of whose smell, tast, and colour a neat draught is
taken, and an excellent exposition of the qualities. Yet the t'other
Gentleman commends it to the highest; though he is assured that he
tasted a Glass in Master _Empty Vessels_ Cellar that was far
delicater, and that he would far esteem beyond this. Nevertheless he
acknowledges this to be very good. But the pint being out, the first
word is, _Hangt, What goes upon one leg? Draws t'other pint of the
same Wine._ And then they begin to find that the longer they drink,
the better it tasts; which is an undeniable sign that it is pure good
Wine. And this pint being out again; presently saies the t'other, _All
good things consist in three:_ so that we must have the t'other pint.
Where upon the second saith, As soon as this is out, we will go with
the relish of it in our mouths to Master Clean Pints, to tast his and
this against each other. I am contented, so said so done; and thus by
the oftentimes tasting and retasting, they grow so mighty loving, that
it is impossible for them to depart from one another, because they
every foot say, they cannot part with an empty Pot, and this love in a
few hours grows on so hot, that the love of the Wife is totally
squencht; not only drawing men mightily out of their business, but
keeping them late out from their families; and making them like
incarnate Divels against their Wives. From whence proceeds, that when
they come either whole or half drunk home, there is nothing well to
their minds, but they will find one thing or another to controul, bawl
or chide with.

To these also may be adjoined those who generally resort to the Miter,
Kings Arms, and Plume of Feathers, or some other places where they
commonly make their bargains for buying and selling of Goods and
Merchandizes; from whence they seldom come before they have spent a
large reckoning, and lost more then three of their five sences;
thinking themselves no less rich then they are wise; and ly then very
subtlely upon the catch to overreach another in a good and
advantagious bargain; by which means they themselves are somtimes
catcht by the nose with a mouldly old sort of unknown commodity, that
they may walk home with, by weeping cross; and next morning there they
stand and look as if they had suckt their Dam through a hurdle, and
know not which way to turn themselves with their Merchandize they have
made; in this manner, bringing their Wives and Children (if they let
them know it) into excessive inconveniences; and for all this want for
nothing of grumbling and mumbling.

_Some sorts of men,
Are Tyrants when,
Their thirsty Souls are fill'd:
They scold sore hot
Like_ Peep in th' Pot
_And never can be still'd.
They talk and prate_
At such a rate,
And think of nought but evil;
They fight and brawl,
And Wives do mawl,
Though all run for the Divel.
But at their draugh,
They quaff and laugh
Amongst their fellow creatures.
They swear and tear
And never fear
Old _Nick_ in his worst features.
Who would but say
Then, by the way
That Woman is distressed,
Who must indure
An Epicure
With whom she'll ne'r be blessed.

In this last many Fathers commit great errors, who, when they are
hot-headed with multiplicity of Wine, take little regard of the bad
examples they shew unto their Children and Families. Nay some there
are that will in their sobrest sence go with their sons, as if they
were their companions, into a Tavern without making any sort of
difference; and also, when there is a necessity or occasion for it,
know but very slenderly how to demonstrate their paternal prudence and
respect; but in this manner let loose the bridle of government over
their children.

Thus I knew an understanding Father do, who with some other Gentlemen,
and his son, being upon a journy together, to take care of some
important affairs; but seeing that at every Inn where they came, that
his fellow-travellers were resolute blades, and that he must pay as
deep to his son as himself; exhorted his son to take his full share of
all things, and especially of the Wine; every foot whispering him in
the ear, Peter, drink, and then after a little while, again, Peter,
drink; And as he recommended this so earnestly to his son, he himself
very diligently lost no time to get his share; which continued so long
that going out of the chamber for their necessities, they both fell
into a channel, where clasping each other in the arms, the son said,
Father! are we not now like brothers?

By this we may observe, what the Father of a Family, by his examples,
may do. But you, O well-match'd Woman, have no need to fear this sort
of president in your husband, because he is a perfect hater of
excessive drinking, and an enemy to such company that alwaies frequent
Taverns and Ale-houses; and if he doth go once among good
acquaintance, and take a glass more then ordinary, which is but
seldom, there's nothing that he doth less then maunder and mumble; but
he's all for kissing, hugging and dallying; hating pot-company to the
highest, or those that make it their business, or spend their times in
the Summer with going a Fishing, and in the Winter go a Birding; upon
which sort of Gentlemen this old rime was made:

_Who in the Winter Bird, and Summers go a Fishing,
Have no bad meat in Tub, that is not worth the dishing._

But your husband on the contrary, takes especial care of his affairs;
and for the pleasure and ease of his wife, goes himself to market,
there buies a good joint of meat or a Fowl, and gets it made ready,
and sits down and eats it with his beloved: Then when he and you have
very relishingly satisfied your appetites, and drunk two or three glas
of wine into the bargain, he invites you very quietly to walk up
stairs into your chamber to say a day-lesson. Well who could wish for
greater Pleasure then this!

O good Woman, how happy are you, if, as well as your husband you can
keep your self in these joys and delights. What state or condition is
there in this World that may be compared to such a loving, friendly
and well accomplished match! For without jesting, it happens hardly
once in a thousand times that a match falls out so well. And although
it did, yet it is not free from a thousand crosses and dissatisfactions,
which are done unto you either by children, wicked friends, or
somtimes bad neighbours: and are oftentimes so many, that if they were
all drawn up in one Picture; we should, in good truth, see more grief
and horror in it, then is demonstrated in the very Picture of Hell it
self. But one pound of the hony of sweet love, can easily balance a
hundred weight of that terrible and bitter Wormwood.

But where is there one among all the whole number of tender young
Gentlewomen, who being incountred by an airy exquisite Lover, that
doth not start back with a thousand troublesom cogitations; and
beleeves, that he, who thus earnestly affects her, is at the least
possessed with one of these terribly evil natures? Nay, perhaps with
some what else, as a cross-grain'd pate, a grumbling gizzard, not wel
in his sences, jealous thoughts, or the actions of a Cotquean are his
companions; and that is more then all these, keeps hid a certain
imbecility in his defective nature; which is no waies to be
discovered till the nuptial rites be absolutely celebrated.

This seems to be a great occasion and reason to have an abhorrance for
marrying. But when we begin again with serious judgement to consider,
the weaknesses, strange humors, and deficiences, that the most
gaudiest and neatest Ladies are subject to; experience will teach us,
that they are Cakes bak'd of one Dough, and Fruits of one Tree.

And therefore they are very happy, if two of one mind, and alike
natured meet together; but if two of contrary humors happen together,
there is nothing to be expected but grief, sorrow, and destruction;
unless it happen that the understanding of the one knows
extraordinarily how to assist the weakness of the other; by somtimes
letting loose a rope and then drawing it in again; whereby they may
the prudentlier sail against wind and tide. These do arrive in the
Haven of the Pleasures of Marriage, whereas others on the contrary
suffer most miserable Shipwrack.

[Illustration: 116 _Published by the Navarre Society, London._]

THE SIXTH PLEASURE.

_The Woman hath got the Breeches. What mischeefes arise by it. Counsel
for the unmarried. To shun those that are evil natured._

Under a thousand Pleasures that we find in the estate of marriage, it
is none of the least, to see the Woman put the breeches on, seeming
that she will act the part of a Jack-pudding. But melancoly men
oftentimes cannot bear with such sort of jesting, and presently bawl
and rail at such a Woman, calling her a Monster, or some other ill
name. Although they know very well that such sort of Monsters are now
a daies so common, that if they were all to be shewn in Booths for
farthings a peece, there would be less spectators, then there was to
see the Sheep with five legs, or the great Crocodile.

Verily, such men are unhappy, and they do not a little also neglect
these Pleasures; when they, forsooth, think that by the putting on of
the breeches, must be understood that they are over Lorded, and that
the Hen crows louder then the Cock. O miserable man, if your head be
possest with this kind of frenzy, and can't be removed! Verily, if you
had but seen the Plate of the Women fighting for the Breeches, you
would be of another judgement. For in those daies the man was glad to
be rid of them, if he could but get the lining untorn or indamaged;
for he saw perfectly that the World was at that time so full of those
pretty Beldams, that there was begun a most bloody War between the
better sort of Gentlewomen, and the meaner degree of Women, for the
gaining of the Breeches, wherein Ketels and Pans, Tongs and
Fireshovels, Spinning-wheels, Brooms and Maps were all beaten out of
fashion. And it may very well be thought, that if the Woman had put
them on at first, and so have helpt him to have kept them, this
wonderfull and destructive War would never have risen to that fury.
Therefore it is no small prudence of the Women in these daies, who are
descended from that family, to take care, at the very first, for the
good of their husbands, that the Breeches may be well preserved.

But let's be serious, and pass by all these kind of waggeries; if we
consider the husband as Captain, and the Wife as Lieutenant, is it not
in the highest degree necessary, that she should have also a part of
the masculine knowledge and authority? Besides, women must be silent
in Politick and Church-government, why should not they have somthing
to say in those places where they are houswives? We see certainly,
that the men, for the most part, cannot tarry at home, and will be
going hither or thither to take the air, or for his pleasure, or to
smoke a pipe of Tabacco; as is shew'd you in the Fifth Confession; if
then, in the mean while, the Woman, through occasion of some Customers
in the Shop, or in the government of the Men and Maid-servants should
not in some measure shew that she had in part the Breeches on, and
that she could in the absence of her Captain, take care of his
Command; how is it possible that the Trading should be kept in order,
and the Children and Servants well governed? I will not so much as
mention that there are several men, who are so dull-brain'd, and so
excessive careless, that if they had not had the good fortunes to get
notable sharp-witted young women to their Wives; they of themselves
would have been quickly out of breath, and might now perhaps be found
in the Barbado's or Bermoodo's planting Tabacco.

O stout Amazonians, who thus couragiously, take the Weapons in hand,
to defend and protect your Husbands, Children, Servants and
houskeeping; why should not you have as great commendations given you,
as those noble Souls of your Sex had in former times? and who would
not rather ingage in the imbracing of you, then any waies to affront
or bespatter you?

I know wel enough there will come some times a whiffling blade, that
will be relating one or other long-nosed story, how like a drunken
Nabal, he was well instructed by his prudent and diligent wife; and
how little that he would obey or listen to the commands of so brave a
Captain; but they will very seldom or never say any thing what grounds
or provocatives they have given her for so doing.

Nevertheless my intent is, not so much to flatter the evil or bad
natured women, as if their throwing out their ire upon their husbands,
had alwaies a Lawfull excuse or cause. Just as Xantippe did, who was
Socrates's wife, think that she had reason enough on her side to
scold, brawl at, and abuse that wise and good natured Philosopher, and
to dash him in the face with a whole stream of her hot Marish piss. Or
that it did any waies become that hot-ars'd whorish Faustina, to
govern that sage and understanding Emperor Marcus Aurelius. By no
means, for then that hot-spirited, and high minded sex would prick up
their Peacocks-tails so much the higher. But happy would all these
hair-brain'd houswives be, if they had such Tutors to their husbands,
as Aurelius was; 'tis most certain, that then that corrupt seed, would
be cropt in the very bud and not be suffered to come to perfection.

Yet you new married Couple, are both in heart and mind concordant, and
all your delight is to please each others fancy: you have no
difference about the Supremacy; for the Authority of the one is
alwaies submitted to the other; and so much the more because your
husband never commands you as if you were a Maid; but with the
sweetest and kindest expressions, saith, my Dearest, will you bid the
Maid draw a glass of Beer or Wine, or do this or that, &c. Oh if you
could but both keep your selves in this state and posture, how happily
and exemplarily would you live in this World! But it happens many
times, that the Women through length of time, do take upon them, and
grow to be so free, that they will be solely and totally Master; and
if their husbands through kind-heartedness have given them a little
more then ordinary liberty, they will have the last word in spight of
fate.

So have I seen one who could by no means keep her self in that first
and Paradice-like life; who observing her husbands good nature,
thought her self wise enough to govern all things, and to bring him to
her Bow; which, by degrees, to his great discontent, did more and more
increase in matters of the housekeeping.

But it hapned once that the good man, went to the Market, and having
bought a delicate Capon, meets with a friend, whom he invited to be
his guest; and going home with it, his wife powts, maunders and
mutters and looks so sowr that the guest saw well enough how welcome
he should be. The good man with fair and kind words sought to remove
this, which was in some measure done.

But a pretty while after, the goodman being in the market, buies a
couple of delicate Pullets, and sends them home with a Porter; but
the Wife told him she had made ready somthing else, and had no need of
them; therefore, let him say what he would, made him bring them back
again: The good man meeting with the Porter, and perceiving the
cross-grainedness of his wife, sends them to a Tavern to be made
ready, and gets a friend or two along with him to dispatch them, and
dript them very gallantly with the juice of Grapes. At this, when he
came home, his wife grin'd, scolded, and bawl'd; yet done it was, and
must serve her for a future example. And she on the contrary
persisting in her stif-necked ill nature, made a path-road for the
ruine of her self and family, because he afterwards, to shun his wife,
frequented more then too much Taverns and Alehouses, and gave the
breeches solely to his wife.

Not long ago, just in the like manner, there married an indifferent
handsom Gentlewoman, with a proper, handsom, honest and good natured
Gentleman; but the Gentlewoman imagining her self to be as wise as a
Doctor, acted the part of a Domineerer, controuling, grumbling and
chiding at all whatsoever he did; insomuch that all his sweet
expressions could no waies allay her; but rather augmented her rage;
yea insomuch that at last she saluted him with boxes and buffettings.
But he seeing that no, reasons or perswasions would take place, and
that she grew the longer the more furious, locks the dore to, and
catches her by the coif, instructing her with such a feeling sence,
that at last she got open a window and leaps out, thereby escaping the
remaining part of that dance. Away she flies immediately to her Father
and her Brother, but they, very well knowing her ill-natured
obstinacy, both denied her houseroom. Yet the next day, through the
intercession of others, there was a pacification made and a truce
concluded on, which did not long continue so. For she, beginning again
her former wicked actions, made him run to the Tavern there to allay
his disturbed sences, leaving her to wear the Breeches. But now they
are rid of mony, credit, respect, and every thing else.

Another Gentlewoman of late daies, seeing that she had married a good
mild-natured husband, that was not guilty of any vice, exercised her
authority and wickedness so much the more over him; yea so far, that
in the presence of several neighbors she oftentimes knockt, thumpt,
and cudgelled him; that at last she was called by every one _The
incarnate Divel_. But he, after some years of suffering this
martyrdom, hapning to dy, there comes another Lover very suddenly to
cast himself away upon this Hellish peece of flesh; but she had of
him, being a just punishment, such a beloved, that he thunderd her
three times as bad about, as she did her first husband; and then flew
Pots, Kans and Glasses ringling and gingling along the flore, and she
on the top of them, well and warm covered with good thumps and
fisty-cuffs, and somtimes traild over the flore by the hair of the
head. O miserable terrors of such a horrible State and condition! Who
can but shake and quiver, yea with fear start back, when they begin to
feel the least motion to the same in their bodies? and so much the
more, because that we see that this present World is so mightily
replenished with such numbers of monstrous, wicked and unhappy women,
who hide their wickedness and ill natures under their powdered locks,
and flattring looks; and like a Camelion, in their Maiden estate, will
be agreeable to all things that are propounded to them; but being
married, they abandon all rationality, make their own passions their
masters, and cannot understand by any means the pleasures of their
husbands. Though they certainly know, and have daily experience, that
there is nothing under the Sun, which hath a bewitchinger power upon
the hearts of their husbands, then the friendliness and kind
compliance of their Wives. This hath in ancient times done a thousand
wonders and is as yet the most powerfull to drive all stuborn and
ill-natured humors out of the heads of men; and can lead them, as it
were by the hand, in to the paths of Reason, Equity and Love.

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