The Ten Pleasures of Marriage and The Confession of the New married Couple (1682) written by A. Marsh

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Rx _Vini Rhenani vetustissimi & generostssimi M ij._

And then again to eat oftentimes Pistaches, Almonds, Custards, and
Tansies, &c.

Though since the Patient, like making a Martyr of himself, is in this
manner fallen into the hands of the Doctor, his dearly beloved Wife is
not negligent to acquaint all the friends with it; who immediately
come running to give a visit to the sick, and speak words of
consolation to the good woman. But alas grief and sorrow hath taken
such deep root in her heart, that no crums of comfort, though ever so
powerfull, can dispossess her calamities: for the seeing of a husband
who loved her so unmeasurably, and was so friendly and feminine, to ly
sick a bed, would stir up the obdurest heart to compassion, and
mollifie it with showers of tears.

But even as all the Relations, by messengers, are made acquainted with
this sickness; report in like manner is not behind hand with making it
known to good acquaintance and arch Jesters, who (as I shewed you
before) are very ready to appear with their flouts and gibes, and
instead of comforting, begin to laugh with the Patient, saying: O Sir,
we have perceived, a long time since, that you were more then half
your reckoning, and that your lying-in was much nearer then your
wives; and we alwaies thought, because we had tasted out such delicate
Wedding-wine for you, that you would have desired us to have taken the
like care for to have such at yours, and afterwards at your Wives
lying-in. Yet since it hath not so hapned, we hope that the Doctor
hath taken so much the better care for it.

Thus rallying, they begin to get the bibbing-bottle, and guess at the
same time, as if it had been told them, that the Doctor in his last
receipt had ordered Rhenish Wine.

And just as the Women in the Eighth Pleasure of the First Part produce
abundance of Remedies; the assembly of Men do here in like manner cast
up a hundred Receits which makes _Peggy_ the maid blush and be most
cruelly ashamed at; but behind the Window she listens most sharply to
hear what's told and confessed by those that be in the Chamber, as to
the further matter of fact.

For Master _Barebreech_ relates, that as he was travelling the last
Summer into the North, and so forwards into Scotland, going through
Edenburgh, met there with his cousin Master _Coldenough_, who look'd
so lean and pale-fac'd; that Master _Barebreech_ told him, in truth
Cousin, I should hardly have known you; verily you look as if you were
troubled; and I beleeve you have the feeling of a first lying-in
through all your joints. Well Cousin, saies the t'other, it seems that
you are deeply studied in the Art of Witchcraft, for I fear its too
true. I went from home on purpose to take my pleasure for three weeks
or a month, that I might store my self with fresh provisions, and sing
a sweet ditty in commendations of my Betty. Ho, Ho, saith Master
_Barebreech_, flatter not your self with such a fancy, that you'l get
as much up again in three weeks or a month, as you have been running
behind hand in four. If you'l do well, let's for a frolick go into
France, there's a gallant air, and we shall be very good company
together, and fear not but that we'l make much of our selves; then
when we come home again, you'l find your self so well, and both you
and your wife will be thankfull to me as long as you live for my good
advice of taking this journy. To be short, the Cousins travell
together, and Master _Coldenough_ came home so lusty, fat and plump,
that all his acquaintance, and especially his hungry wife, admired
mightily that he was so fat and corpulent.

At this all the jesting-wags burst out into a laughter. But having
toss'd up their cups bravely about again, Peggy comes in with a fresh
Kan, and Master _Winetast_ begins to relate how that he used to be
familiarly acquainted with a certain brave Judge, who had a bucksom
bouncing Lady to his wife. The Judge feigns a Letter, which at noon,
as he was sitting at Table with his Lady, was brought him very
cleaverly by his man. He seemingly unknowing of it, opens and reads,
that he must immediately, without further delay, go upon a journy;
having read that, prepares himself with his man forthwith to be going.

But whilest the Judge was gone into his Closet, as seeming to take
some important writings along with him; the Lady calls his man
privately into the Parler, and forces him by threats of her
displeasure to tell her, who delivered him that Letter; with a promise
of her favour if he spoke the truth. Whereupon the fellow trembling,
answered, Madam, I have received it from my Lord the Judge; but he
hath strictly commanded me to keep it secret, so that if he come to
know that I have mentioned any thing of it to your Ladiship, he will
have the greatest displeasure of the World against me. Do not you fear
anything, said her Ladiship, but be faithfull in what you do.

A pretty while after, the Judge having been some time at home, and
walking with his Lady towards their Garden, they met with a drove of
Sheep, having but one Ram amongst them: Whereupon her Ladiship askt,
Sweetheart, how comes it, that that one Sheep hath such horns, and the
t'others none at all? My Dear, said he, that is the Ram, the He-Sheep.
What, said she, are the others then all She's? O yes, my Love,
answered he. How! replied she, but one Ram among so many Sheep. Yes
Hony, saies the Judge, that is alwaies so, then (sighingly she said)
alas poor Creature, how must you long then to walk some other Road!

There had been more related; for Master _Carouser_ was entred upon a
new subject; but because the Doctor came in, they were constrained to
break of.

But _Ellen_ the starchster, being busie in the Kitchin with the
Mistriss about ordering the Linnen, having let the Doctor in; saith,
Mistriss, the Doctor is come there, and is gone into the Chamber; by
my truly Mistriss, I hear say that my Master hath got a fever. O Nel,
saith the Mistriss, this is clear another thing, this sickness is not
without great danger; and it would be no such wonder, if my husband
hapned to dy of it; and where should we then find the Pleasures of
Marriage that some arch Jesters so commonly talk of.

But kind Mistriss be not so hasty, it is impossible to express all the
Pleasures so fully in one breath: you must note, that they are all as
it were for the present hid behind the Curtains; neither must you
expect to sail alwaies before wind and tide; and beleeve me there are
yet other Nuts to be krackt.

THE THIRD PLEASURE.

_Whilest the Husband is from home, the Wife plaies the Divel for God's
sake. The Husband upon his journy will want for nothing._

It seemed to be a divellish blur in the Escucheon, and a cruel
striving against the stream, that as soon as the Shop was just made
and furnisht, then the good Man falls sick, and keeps the first Lying
in.

[Illustration: 50 _Published by The Navarre Society, London._]

But Experience having taught him, that with relishing and solid dishes
a man may overclog himself; he thinks it not unadvisable, to take a
journy now and then from home, to see if he can get some new Customers
in other Towns, or buy in some Goods and Wares for his Shop; by which
means he may as well take as good care for his health, as he doth of
his Shop-keeping.

Yet what comes here in the way, the pleasure is so great, and their
loves so tender and newly stamped to each other again; that the young
woman thinks she shall do, as formerly _Cyana_ did, either consume her
self in tears, or drown'd her self in a River, if she must suffer
this.

Oh, the whole World will be unto her as dead, and without any thing of
mankind, if her dearly beloved depart from her! Well, who will not
then but beleeve that the married estate is full of incomprehensible
and inexhaustible pleasures and sweetnesses? Do but behold how these
two Hony-birds, sing loath to depart! Yea, pray observe what a number
of imbracings, how many thousand kisses, and other toyisch actions are
used, before this couple can leave one another! Nevertheless the
reason of necessity, doth forsooth conquer in a vigilant husband these
effeminate passions.

Therefore away he goes, leaving his whining beloved sitting between
her Sister and her Neece, speaking words of consolation to her; and
using all arguments possible to enliven and make her sorrowfull heart
merry; either of them striving to be most free in proffering to be her
bedfellow, and the next day to keep her company: But alas, saies she,
suppose ye did all this, yet nevertheless I have not my husband with
me!

But because time and good company help to decline and pass away
sorrow; she very happily begins to consider, that she hath now a fit
opportunity, to invite her Neeces and Bridemaids and other good
acquaintance, with whom she hath been formerly mighty familiar, to
come and take a treat with her, and to drink a dish of Tee; for they
have, when she was in her Maiden estate, treated her so many times
with Tarts, Pankakes and Fritters, Custards, and stew'd Pruins, that
she is as yet ashamed for not having made them some recompence. And
she never could find an occasion that was convenient before, because
one while she dwelt with her Guardians, and at another time with her
Uncle; who took very sharp notice where on, and in what time her
pocket-mony was spent and consumed, that they continually gave her for
trivial expences. Which vext her so much the more, because the treat
she received, was for the most part done, to bring her acquainted with
this or that Gentlewomans Brother, or Cousin, or some other pretty
Gentlemen; to the end, that by this means she might happen to make a
gallant Match; and indeed the first original of the wooing, and
acquaintance with her beloved, had there its foundation.

To treat these Gentlewomen when her husband is at home, would no waies
appear so well; and so much the more, because they generally suffer
themselves to be conducted to the place by one or other of their
Gallants; who then either very easily are persuaded, or it may be of
themselves, tarry to take part with them. Therefore this must be done
and concluded on, because she hath now the disposal and keeping of the
mony as well as her husband.

Here now must _Doll_ run up and down tan-twivy to borrow a
Rowling-pin, and some other new invented knick-knacks, to bake
Cheesekakes and Custards in; whilest _Mage_ is also hardly able to
stand longer upon her legs, with running up and down to fetch new-laid
Egs, Flour, Sugar, Spices, blanch'd Almonds, &c. The Mistriss and
_Doll_ are able to perform this duty well enough; for they both helpt
to do it, very neatly at her Neeces birth-day; but the Pastry-Cook
must be spoken to for the making a delicate minc'd Py; and _Mage_ must
run to the Confit-makers in _Black-Fryers_, to fetch some Conserves,
Preserves, and of all other sorts of Sweetmeats, Raisins of the Sun,
and more of the like ingredients, &c. for she knows best where all
those things are to be had. And for a principal dish there ought to be
a Pot of Venison, a couple of Neats-tongues, a delicate peece of
Martelmas beef, some Anchovis, and Olives for the Gentlemen, because
they certainly will accompany the Gentlewomen. And truly they that
bring them, may very well tarry to carry them home again; it is also
but one and the same trouble. Goodman Twoshoes is gone out of Town,
and sees it not, neither need he know it when he comes home: He treats
so many of his friends and acquaintance, and then again next day
following invites them to a Fish-dinner. I may very well play my part
once in my life, and have all things to my mind, let come on't what
will, who knows whether such another occasion may happen again this
three years. And against next morning, very privately, she invites the
Gentlewomen alone, to come about nine a clock in the morning, to eat
hot Buns, and Cakes, for then they come precisely out of the Oven; and
in the afternoon again, to some curious Fruit, Pankakes and Fritters,
and a glass of the purest Canary let it cost n'er so much, or be
fetcht ne'r so far.

Thus runs the tongue of this pretty housewife, that but a while ago
was so sorrowfull for the departure of her beloved husband. Certainly
there's nothing comes out more suddenly, or dries up more easily, then
womens tears!

But hangt no more of that; for the guests will be here presently,
therefore all things ought to be in order for mirth. And moreover
there there are some of them that frequent Mr. Baxter's Puritanical
Holding-forth, whose heads will immediately, in imitation of their
Patron, hang like Bull-rushes; for they are taught to mourn with the
sorrowfull, and to rejoice with the joifull. But it is now a time to
be merry, and throw away masks and vizards; for all is done under the
Rose, and among good acquaintance. And verily if the good woman had
not this or some such sort of delight, where should we find the
pleasures of marriage? for in the first Lying-in of the husband there
was no looking for them.

Come on then, that mirth may be used, let the Cards also be brought in
sight; which formerly, out of a Puritanical humour, ought not to have
been seen in a house; nay, not so much as to have been spoken of; but
now every one knows how to play artificially at Put, all Fours, Omber,
Pas la Bete, Bankerout, and all other games that the expertest
Gamesters can play at. And who knows whether they do not carry in
their Pockets, as False-Gamesters do, Cards that are cut and marked.
They learn to play the game at Bankerout so well with the Cards, that
in a short time they can and also do it with their Housholdstuf,
Wares, and Commodities. To be sure, you'l alwaies find, that every one
of them, by length of time, are capable of setting up a School, and to
act the part of a Mistriss. And most especially they learn to
discourse very exactly touching the use and misuse thereof; just as
these dissimulating Wigs intend to do, though indeed men have never
seen that they practised this lesson themselves.

But, although the Mistriss and her Companions know little or nothing
of these tricks, they serve howsoever, without setting up a School,
and that also for nothing, for good Instructresses to their servants,
who hereby are most curiously taught, what paths they have to walk in,
and what's best for them to do that they may follow their Mistresses
footsteps, as soon as their Master and Mistriss are but gone abroad
together; who then know so exactly how to dance upon those notes, that
we thought it necessary, as being one of the principallest Pleasures
of Marriage, also to be set down in the Third Table of the First Part.

Many women, who are sick of this liquorish and sweet-tooth'd disease,
will be grumbling very much at this, that such a blame and scandal
should be cast upon their innocent sex; and say that Batchelors hereby
will be afraid to marry; But if they, and the Gentlewomen that were in
private domineering together, had not gone to Confession, and made a
publick relation of it, who would have known it. Therefore this sort
of well treated female Guests, are like unto those that when they have
gotten a delicate bit by the by, cannot fare well but they must cry
roast-meat, though they should be beaten with the spit for it.

But the good ones, though they are thin sown, who are not distempered
with this evil, never trouble themselves at what one will say, or
another write concerning women, because their guiltless consciences,
serves them as well as a thousand witnesses; and they are very
indifferent whether that the deceased scandal raiser Hippolitus do
arise, and come into the World again; daring him in this manner

_Surge then Hippolytus, out from thy Ghostly nest:
Who scandal least esteem, revenge themselves the best._

Yet howsoever though this is true, nevertheless I must furnish the
delicate stomackt Ladies with some sort of weapons, that they may be
in a posture of defending themselves against their vituperous enemies:
For verily there are several men that walk not so even and neat in
their waies as they ought to do; and who knows, whether our Mistresses
dearly Beloved, at this very present, doth not as many others have
done; who when they are travelling any whither, the first thing they
do, is to be very diligent, and look earnestly about, whether there be
not some handsom Gentlewoman that travels with them, by whom they very
courteously take place, shewing themselves mightily humble and
complacent, and telling them that they are Batchelors or at the least
Widowers; then casting out a discourse of playing a game at Cards,
that they may the better see what mettle the Lady is made of, and then
again when they come to a Baiting-place, or where they must stay the
night over, there they domineer lustily with them, and play the part
of a Rodomontade. Where many times more is acted and spent, then they
dare either tell their Wives, or their father Confessors of.

Others there are, who seek not so much such company, but very
artificially before hand, know how to find out such Fellow-travellers
as most suit with their own humour; to that end providing themselves
with some Bottles of Canary, and pure Spanish Tobacco; and where ever
they come are sure to make choice of the best Inn, where there's a
good Table, delicate Wine, (and a handsom Wench) to be had.

Certainly, if the Husband thus one way, and his Wife another, know how
to find out the Pleasures of Marriage, they are then both of them
happy to the utmost. Is it not possible, but that they might, if this
continued long, take a journy, for pleasure, to Brokers-Hall? For at
first it was by them esteem'd too mean a place to be look'd upon, and
not worth their thinking of: but then its probable it may come into
their considerations, by reason that rents are low there, provisions
very cheap, and pleasures in abundance; neither hath Pride or Ambition
taken any habitation there. Nay, who knows but that they might chance
to observe that there is no such need of feasting and junketting; nor
be subject to so many visits, because there dwells not such a number
of their friends and acquaintance: and besides all this, you may
there, for a small matter, agree with the Collectors of the Excises,
so that, for a whole year, you may have Wine, and severall other
things plenty, for little or nothing.

But let's lay aside all this, because they are untimely cogitations,
that fly astray; and it is much decenter that we turn again to our
kind-hearted Mistriss, with her merry companions; who now, are about
the taking leave of each other; using, to shew their gratitude, whole
bundles full of complements; offering them up with an inexpressible
amiablenes and eloquency for the respect and honour they have
received; and confirm them with so many kisses, cursies, bows and
conges, that it is easie to be perceived, that on both sides its
cordially meant. And Doll, that good and faithfull servant, is not
able to express how pleasing this entertainment hath been to all the
company. Nay, it lies buzzing her so in the pate, that she cannot be
at quiet in a morning, whilest her Mistriss is asleep, but she must,
with the Neighbors Maids, either at the opening of the Shop, or
sweeping of the street, be tatling and telling of it to them; putting,
every foot, into their hands privately, some Almonds and Raisins,
that came in by _leger de main_: Relating unto them, as if she did it
by a scrole, what a horrible quantity of things she hath to scour and
wash, that must be made clean, and set in order, against the time that
the Bridemaids, as it was mentioned, are to come again alone; and so
much the more, because her Master is daily expected home. Who then
finally coming in, is not ordinarily welcomed, for she is so full of
joy that her husband is come home, that both her tongue and actions
are incapable of demonstrating her felicity; and he on the t'other
side, is so glad to find his dearly Beloved in good health, and all
things in decent order, that it is beyond imagination.

All this while they both laugh in their sleeves, that each one, in
th'absence of the t'other, hath taken to themselves such a private an
cunning pleasure. Finding so much content and injoiment therein, that
they both hope to serve themselves again with the like occasion. O
mighty Pleasure of Marriage! Who would not but be invited to go into
this estate? Especially if we proceeded to write down and rehearse the
further Confession of the separate Pleasures of Man and Wife, which is
preserved as matter for the insuing Fifth and Sixth Pleasure.

[Illustration: 65 _Published by the Navarre Society London._]

THE FOURTH PLEASURE.

_The Wife will be Master of the Cash, or mony Chest._

As Mony is one of the most curiousest Minerals, is it, in like manner,
the less admirable, that the handling and use there of rendreth the
greatest Pleasures of the World. It is Loves Fire, and Charities
Fountain. Yea, if Man and Wife in their house keeping may be esteemed
or compared to the Sun and Moon in the Firmament; verily, those merry
white or yellow boies, may very well be considered of as twinkling
stars.

It rejoiceth all mankind to behold in the sky the innumerable
multitude of glittering Stars: but it is a far surpassinger Pleasure,
that the new married Couple receive, when they see vast heaps of
Silver and Gold ly dazling their eys, and they Lording over it.

You, O lately married Couple, possess this Pleasure to the utmost; you
have to your content received your promised Portions; you onely want
the great Iron Mony-Chest to lock it up in securely, and to keep it
safely, that it may be laid out to advantage. O how pleasant the free
dispensation thereof is unto you! What a noble Valley it is to walk in
between these Mountains, and to delight your eys with such an object!

Yet nevertheless, O faithfull Couple, here is need that a great deal
of prudence be used, as well in the laying of it out, as the
preserving of it. In ancient times it hath been often observed and
taken notice of, that where mony was hid, the places were generally
hanted with terrible spirits, and strange Ghosts, that walked there,
coming in frightfull apparitions: but since they have been driven out
of our Country and Houses; there's another sort of Imp come in, ten
times wickeder then any of the other; which regards nor cares neither
for Crosses, Holy-water, Exorcisms, or any sort of Divel-drivers; but
dares boldly shew himself at noon-day, namely a Plague-Divel, which
sets Man an Wife together by the ears, to try who of them both shall
have the command and government of the Cash or mony-box.

And to the end he may herein act his Part well, he knows how very
subtlily first to fill the weak womans ears full, that she ought above
all things to have the command of the cash; because she had such a
great Portion; and that it is her mony which she hears gingle so. And
then again, because the care of the house-keeping is appropriated to
be her duty, it is against all reason, that she, like a servant,
should give an account to her husband, what, wherefore, or how that
the mony is laid out; because the necessaries also for house-keeping
are so many, that they are without end, name or number, and it is
impossible that one should relate or ring them all into the ears of a
Man. Likewise the good woman cannot have so fit an occasion every foot
to be making some new things, that she may follow the fashion, as it
is usual for women to do; much less to have any private pocket-mony,
to treat and play the Divel for God's sake, with her Bride-Maids, when
her husband is gone from home.

And on the contrary, when men pay out any thing, it goes out by great
sums, according as is specified by the accounts delivered, which must
be set to book, and an acquittance given: This cannot be so done with
every pittifull small thing that belongs to house-keeping. Insomuch
that the Husband can then, with all facility, demand what Mony is
needful for his occasion from his Wife.

Moreover, when the Wife hath the command of the mony, she can alwaies
see in what condition and state her affairs stands; and by taking good
observation thereof, her husband cannot fob her off with Pumpkins for
Musmillions; but she'l easily perceive whether she be decreasing or
increasing in her estate. So that if her husband might come to dy, and
she be left a Widow with several children, she can immediately see and
understand in what posture her affairs stands, and whether she be
gotten forward or gone backward in the World.

And what's more yet, it would be a great shame for a Woman, who hath
alwaies been so highly respected by her husband; and as it appeared to
all the World, was honoured like a Princess; that she should within
dores be as servile as a servant; and must be fed out of her husbands
hands, just as if she were a wast-all, a sweet-tooth, or gamestress,
&c.

With these, and a thousand such like arguments, doth this Plague-Divel
know how to puff up the vain humours of the weak Women, to the true
pitch of high-mindedness. And on the contrary, is in the mean while
busie with flatteries, to stir up the husband to idle imaginations and
self-conceitedness; demonstrating unto him, that he is the Lord, and
guide of his Wife; created to command her, and she to obey him. That
it is most easie to be perceived, what a noble creature Man is,
whilest that Woman who is so handsom and haughty, is nevertheless but
added unto him as a servant. Therefore if he once admit his Wife into
an equality with him; he will then be subject to see that she will be
striving for the predominancy: and that it is the greatest curse
imaginable in a Country, for Women to Lordize over Men. And for these
reasons they ought to be but like the nul in Figures, and to be kept
as a Controuler by the Harth, the Pot, and the Spinning-wheel. Whilest
they that deliver up to them the keys of the Mony-Chest, are deprived
of all their superiority, and like Men unman'd, have only the name
but cannot obtain the effect.

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